Nexterday News

The United States (NDNS) — One of our advertisers though Google here on Nexterday is claiming that they know more about the future then we do. Not only that they say the world ends this year! When we know know the world will be ending in 2234 (story pending) and as a result of Nazi-Aliens from the planet Blooblat in the Pegasus Galaxy invading and then spreading a terrible plague.

Though it’s not always a good idea to call out our advertizers, we feel that this is necessary because we maintain that we are the very best source of your future news anywhere on the internet. This is a message about integrity; which we have buttloads of.

Crawford, TX (NDNS) — BUSH DECLARES WAR!  On, high mattress prices that is!  The former President of the United States is using this President’s Day to open his very own mattress store in Crawford called, “Bush’s Bed Emporium.”

“I have declared war on terror, Afghanistan, Iraq, and now high mattress prices.  The Crawford people deserve better and I promise as President of Bush’s Bed Emporium I will fight the evil doers down at Lynch’s Furniture.  They’re hiding Prices of Mass Wallet Destruction, and we will fight them starting this President’s Day!”

Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf spokesperson for Lynch’s Furniture and former Information Minister of Iraq held a press conference denying all of the President’s charges.  “These are all lies!  Lynch’s Furniture possesses no such “Prices of Mass Wallet Destruction.”  These are bigger lies then when he invaded my former country!  And, those, my main man, are big lies.  Did a tank just drive behind me?”

There is no telling how long this price war will go on for.  We spoke with a Mattress Economics Professor from Harvard, Dr. Seely Simmons about this.  “The sheer power of Bush’s Bed Emporium will overwhelm Lynch’s Furniture.  But, Lynch’s Furniture is nothing compared to the power of IKEA.  IKEA will discreetly come into the market due to the power vacuum created by the departure of the Lynch Furniture hierarchy.  They will do it though the internet, catalogs, and an insurgent campaign so simple that the Bush Bed Emporium will be clueless to deal with.”

Bush is already planning a celebration in May aboard his pontoon boat, The Lincoln, he will be reusing the “Mission Accomplished” banner from nine years ago when he declared the War in Iraq over.

With only 4 days remaining until the important Guam Democratic Primary, former U.S. President has opted to switch sides and endorse Sen. Barack Obama over his wife, Sen. Hillary Clinton. This latest blow to the Hillary campaign may signal the end of Hillary’s Presidential ambitions.

“Have you seen his wife? WOWZERS!” said President Clinton of Michelle Obama “If my wife was that hot I never would have slept with a fat intern.”

“We’re Pulling a Train” said Sen. Obama metaphorically, “All the way to Denver and then on to the White House and I’ll take all the help I can get. I have always respected and admired President Clinton and am very Grateful for his support.”  The Clinton Campaign was unavailable for comment prior to news time.

Washington, DC (NDNS) - Exactly one day before deer hunting season was set to begin in the North American Union, a monumental contract between deer and man has been signed that effectively ends deer hunting forever.

The contract was first introduced one year ago after Charles Wyrick of Marquette County, Michigan, claimed to have spotted a deer waving a white flag from behind a hill.

“I’ll be damned if he didn’t speak to me in plain English,” Wyrick said last year. “The thing said the war was over, that they surrender.”

Many claimed Wyrick was fabricating the whole thing until a herd of deer showed up on the steps of Capitol Hill, demanding an “end to the madness.”

Koax’al Hui’fnord introduced himself as the spokesman for all of deer-kind, and immediately called for a truce between human and deer.

“For too long our peoples have been at war,” he said. “It seems clear that the humans will not falter in their desire to encroach our land and so the only hope for survival of my people is complete and utter surrender. Therefore, I hereby order all of deer-kind to cease in our suicide collision methods of attack and expect the humans will follow suit and cease their annual firearm attacks.”

Many were shocked and dismayed at the apparent higher-level of thought now clearly attributable to deer.

“I’ve spent my entire career studying wildlife,” scientist Barnes Rupert Noble said in an interview last year, after the revelation. “This throws everything I’ve ever known into complete disarray.”

Most humans are simply too stunned to be upset by the news, however many hunting enthusiasts are expected to completely ignore the contract.

Many theorists, including Dr. Noble, are speculating that an alien race somehow imprinted their consciousness into Earth’s deer in what is the beginning of a full-fledged invasion. Studies have been inconclusive.

“That’s preposterous,” Deer spokesman Hiu’fnord said when confronted with the idea. “Third Ratatak’lan of the Sixth Heir to the Rings of Helios will gladly testify against that notion. We are not, nor have we ever been, beings seeking refuge from another dimension.”

Los Angeles, CA (NDNS) - Two weeks ago, we reported that the Writer’s Guild of America strike finally came to an end seventeen years after it began. That news was followed by the announcement of an original program returning to the datastream, effectively ending reality programming’s sixteen year reign. Doofati Entertainment was revealed to be the producer of the top-secret series, the details of which were being kept under wraps.

Until now.

This morning, Bill Frederik of Doofati Entertainment spilled the beans on what is being called The Seinfeld Chronicles. It will be a remake of the early 1990s beloved sitcom Seinfeld.

“What better way to celebrate the end of the strike than by recreating a television hallmark?” Doofati said at a press conference. “After the strike we immediately went into negotiations with the Seinfeld estate and secured the rights. Everybody attached to this project is very excited.”

The Seinfeld Chronicles, Frederik promises, will be darker and grittier than it’s original counterpart, though still staying true to it’s roots as a comedy.

“Try not to think of it as a remake,” Frederik said. “It’s more of a re-imagining. We’ve assembled a stellar team of writers each with their own unique vision to give the show a sense of edgy consistency.”

Perhaps the most controversial move comes from the casting department, who, Frederik said, chose to recast Kramer as female.

“Kramer was a beloved icon of the 90s, and we didn’t want to touch the Kramer character,” he said. “However, viewers should now expect to laugh and cry at at antics of Carla Kramer. We expect it will add a bit of ambiguity to Jerry and George’s relationship with the character.”

While three of the four cast members from the original are still alive and well, none have been contacted about possible cameos or guest spots. Frederik said he hopes to soon approach Jerry Seinfeld with the possibility of him taking up the role of Jerry’s father on the show, Morty, but nothing is official.

Many television analysts are surprised and disappointed by the announcement, wishing that Doofati Entertainment had instead developed something original to celebrate the end of the strike and a return to creativity.