Nexterday News

In a stunning move, justices Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen have taken speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi, hostage. Speaking from the dome of the capitol building justice Mary Kate said, “We’ve had it! We’re sick of the androids side-stepping the constitution by claiming that they’re not human. If the United Android Party wants their leader, Mrs. Pelosi, back in one piece, then they had better listen to our demands. After all, if Mrs. Pelosi isn’t human, then we can’t be charged with murder!”

Justices Alito, Scalia, and Roberts concurred in part and dissented saying, “Well we did help rewrite the constitution and it was our intent that it should apply to all citizens, not just humans. Still, you can’t read into our intent and pull something out of the constitution that’s not actually written in it.”

The opposition dismissed this claim by pointing out that justices Alito, Scalia, and Roberts have all undergone severe agelifts. Justice Mary Kate speculates, “I bet they’re all at least 75% android. I mean I’m 65 years old, so they should have died a long time ago. It’s a huge conflict of interest in my opinion!”

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