Nexterday News

San Francisco, CA (NDNS) – An Alzheimer’s afflicted Charleton Heston once said, “Guns don’t kill people, Apes with guns kill people!” And, we all laughed that off thinking it was the crazy ramblings of a senile old man, but it’s happening right now. Currently a group of five orangutans, seven gorillas, and two chimpanzees at the San Francisco Zoo, have killed five people and are holding another seven humans hostage with guns that they captured from a visiting contingent of the National Rifle Association. Bringing firearms to a Zoo is not an everyday thing but the stalwart NRA members had insisted on bringing the firearms with them to, “…protect themselves from all the homo-gays that might try to harm them and turn them into the gay.”

The question now is; how in the hell did these apes learn how to use firearms. San Francisco Zoo Ape Scientist Norm Brinkley explained to Nexterday how this might have happened, “Well, it’s two words; Chuck Norris. One, of our night guards set up a TV everynight next to the ape enclosure and watches Chuck Norris movies; Missing in Action, The Delta Force, Missing in Action II: The Beginning, Sidekicks, and Braddock: Missing in Action III. We believe that’s how they learned to use the firearms. You know the old saying, “Monkey see, monkey do.” But, one night he brought in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes; and, that’s when they learned about armed ape revolution.”

An ageless Chuck Norris went on comment with us only saying, “This cannot possibly my fault, they just saw me fighting for freedom. It’s that damn ape movie that made them do what they did.” And, then we believe he destroyed the phone with a swift roundhouse kick.

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