Nexterday News

San Francisco, CA (NDNS) — Today marks day two of the “Armed Ape Revolution” at the San Francisco Zoo.  Police say the Ape Army has so far made no demands.  SFPD Police Chief Stanley Marks said during a press conference, “We believe they’ve made no demands, because they lack verbal communication skills.”

Chief Marks also had to stave off a series of questions in regards to the now released 9-1-1 transcripts that details a lack of urgency by the staff operator and a Mr. Stephen Tyrone of the SF Zoo.

9-1-1 Operator:  9-1-1 Emergency.  What is your emergency?

Stephen Tyrone (SF Zoo Employee):  The apes are attacking!  Here at the zoo!  They’ve got guns and are shooting and taking hostages!

9-1-1 Operator:  Now sir, this is not funny.  9-1-1 is for very serious emergencies only, and it is against to law to make false reports.

Stephen Tyrone:  Holy crap!  I think that one ape just did a roundhouse kick!  Listen!  If this were a prank I’d come up with something more original!  There are these that apes stole guns from some NRA a—holes that came bearing arms.

9-1-1 Operator:  So, they showed up with bear arms. I thought you said the monkeys had guns.  So far I’m not convinced.

Stephen Tyrone:  No!  Arms, like in guns!  And, they’re chimps! Gorillas!  And orangutans!  They’re not monkeys!  They’re members of the great ape family!

***Audible gunshots***

Stephen Tyrone:  Oh God!  I’ve been shot!  Do you believe me now!

9-1-1 Operator:  It just sounds like you’ve got on the TV too loud in the background.  Now, will you please hang up so that I can deal with real emergencies!

Stephen Tyrone:  You f—king bitch!  Oh, my God!  They’ve heard me!  They’re coming for me!  Please send help now!  Tell my wife and kids that I love them!

***Audible gunshots followed by apes grunting and then ripping the cord off the line, and a busy signal***

9-1-1 Operator:  Oh my.

Only after the last part of the exchange did the operator send police.  Stephen Tyrone was thirty-eight years old, leaving behind a wife and three children ages nine, six, and three.

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