February 10, 2012 — Bush Declares War!
Crawford, TX (NDNS) — BUSH DECLARES WAR! On, high mattress prices that is! The former President of the United States is using this President’s Day to open his very own mattress store in Crawford called, “Bush’s Bed Emporium.”
“I have declared war on terror, Afghanistan, Iraq, and now high mattress prices. The Crawford people deserve better and I promise as President of Bush’s Bed Emporium I will fight the evil doers down at Lynch’s Furniture. They’re hiding Prices of Mass Wallet Destruction, and we will fight them starting this President’s Day!”
Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf spokesperson for Lynch’s Furniture and former Information Minister of Iraq held a press conference denying all of the President’s charges. “These are all lies! Lynch’s Furniture possesses no such “Prices of Mass Wallet Destruction.” These are bigger lies then when he invaded my former country! And, those, my main man, are big lies. Did a tank just drive behind me?”
There is no telling how long this price war will go on for. We spoke with a Mattress Economics Professor from Harvard, Dr. Seely Simmons about this. “The sheer power of Bush’s Bed Emporium will overwhelm Lynch’s Furniture. But, Lynch’s Furniture is nothing compared to the power of IKEA. IKEA will discreetly come into the market due to the power vacuum created by the departure of the Lynch Furniture hierarchy. They will do it though the internet, catalogs, and an insurgent campaign so simple that the Bush Bed Emporium will be clueless to deal with.”
Bush is already planning a celebration in May aboard his pontoon boat, The Lincoln, he will be reusing the “Mission Accomplished” banner from nine years ago when he declared the War in Iraq over.
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June 2nd, 2008 at 7:53 pm
I was drawn to your site since I follow furniture. I have to tell you though, that post was hilarious! There is a lot of truth in it, however. Mattress prices are crazy now. It is the option thing over and over. I don’t suppose you have seen the Hastens organic mattress for over $40,000? Craziness, I tell you.
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