Nexterday News

Crawford, TX (NDNS) — BUSH DECLARES WAR!  On, high mattress prices that is!  The former President of the United States is using this President’s Day to open his very own mattress store in Crawford called, “Bush’s Bed Emporium.”

“I have declared war on terror, Afghanistan, Iraq, and now high mattress prices.  The Crawford people deserve better and I promise as President of Bush’s Bed Emporium I will fight the evil doers down at Lynch’s Furniture.  They’re hiding Prices of Mass Wallet Destruction, and we will fight them starting this President’s Day!”

Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf spokesperson for Lynch’s Furniture and former Information Minister of Iraq held a press conference denying all of the President’s charges.  “These are all lies!  Lynch’s Furniture possesses no such “Prices of Mass Wallet Destruction.”  These are bigger lies then when he invaded my former country!  And, those, my main man, are big lies.  Did a tank just drive behind me?”

There is no telling how long this price war will go on for.  We spoke with a Mattress Economics Professor from Harvard, Dr. Seely Simmons about this.  “The sheer power of Bush’s Bed Emporium will overwhelm Lynch’s Furniture.  But, Lynch’s Furniture is nothing compared to the power of IKEA.  IKEA will discreetly come into the market due to the power vacuum created by the departure of the Lynch Furniture hierarchy.  They will do it though the internet, catalogs, and an insurgent campaign so simple that the Bush Bed Emporium will be clueless to deal with.”

Bush is already planning a celebration in May aboard his pontoon boat, The Lincoln, he will be reusing the “Mission Accomplished” banner from nine years ago when he declared the War in Iraq over.

Hollywood, CA (NDNS) — Television anti-crime activist and host of America’s Most Wanted, John Walsh, purchased MySpace yesterday for $500 Million Dollars. It totals as an $80 Million loss in value that NewsCorp purchased the company back in 2005.

NewsCorp Spokesperson Peter Dickman explained this to reporters, “It became inevitable that we would have to sell off the MySpace property as it mostly became a haven for pedophiles. The non-pedophile population of MySpace accounts for only about 15 percent of users, and of those users they tend to be under the age of 18 not knowing that it has become a breeding ground for pedophiles and are not totally aware of Facebook as they’re not in college yet. NewsCorp does not want to be associated with that many pedophiles.”

In a note of interest, Pedophile Island has become a ratings bonanza on NewsCorp owned Fox Networks. And, this past summer To Catch a Big Brother on CBS and NBC has increased ratings in the show’s third season.

Walsh isn’t the only person or organization involved in this venture, as he does not have half a billion to throw around. Other share holders include, but are not limited to; Chris Hansen, several anti-pedophile groups, and Pee-Wee Herman.

John Walsh said of the purchase, “Yes, I know that this is costing a lot, but it’s extremely valuable to law enforcement to have a one-stop-shop for tracking down and capturing pedophiles.”

Austin, TX (NDNS) — Doctors today at the University of Texas-Austin declared that they have successfully cured President Bush of his chronic stupidity and Lyme Disease. The cure doctors say was as a direct result of federally funded stem-cell research.

President Bush used his first executive veto on funding of such research. “This is really an ironic situation for myself. As President, I was totally against stem-cell research. Arguing that it was the destruction of life. I know know that position was wrongheaded, and caused by my condition of chronic stupidity, which has now been cured.” Said the former Chief of State in a perfect New England accent.

Dr. Bill Montoya of the U of T medical center, “The New England accent isn’t really a shock to us. And, we don’t believe that a Texan accent is a sign of stupidity in others. But, he was born and raised for awhile in Connecticut where the prevalent accent is of a Northeastern origin.  And, his younger siblings also do not have a Texan accent.”

As for the cause of this “chronic stupidity” doctors surmise it from a result of too much drinking and too much “other chemicals” being introduced into his body as a young man.

The biggest shock for President Bush came as he realized that when he was President of the Texas Rangers he traded big-time slugger Sammy Sosa, “I did WHAT!”

In a highly publicized move, Cadillac, the luxury brand of General Motors has announced that the 2013 Land Yacht IV will be their last production vehicle with an internal combustion engine. With the advent of magnesium-hydride batteries in the last several years, many automakers have been able to transition their fleets into non-polluting electric models. Cadillac, long known for huge, behemoth vehicles like the Eldorado, DeVille and Escalade, has slowly been transitioning to a less abnoxious, more civilized approach to motoring. The Land Yacht IV, however, refuses to cooperate just yet. Powered by a 984 Horsepower V-16, the 26-foot vehicle has a shape more reminiscent of a tractor trailer than a luxury SUV, and is loaded with options like ostrich leather, built-in food dehydrator and 42-speaker sound system. The interior roof doubles as a 54-inch Super High-Definition OLED television, and the car’s navigation system addresses the owner by name, in your choice of 16 realistic accents. Jeff Snydley, assistant editor of Automobile Magazine claims that the car “goes overboard in just about every way imaginable”. He scoffs at features such as the authentic Redwood dashboard and child booster seat with built-in Shiatsu massage. Cadillac claims to be nearing the end of an era, and wanted to mark the occasion with a bit of ‘Pomp and Circumstance’, according to their marketing director, Hadyn Boorschitz. The Land Yacht IV will go on sale this winter with a starting price of $118,000, and offers fuel economy of .8 MPG.

Austin, TX (NDNS) — Officials at the newly opened George W. Bush Presidential Library have announced the completion of a series of books written by former President George W. Bush.  Library spokesperson Ari Fleischer said of the books, “They’re part autobiographical, part philosophical,  and part how-to.  I’d recommend them to anyone interested in Presidential history, political doctrine, or how-to make war popular.”

Nexterday News was able to obtain a copy of the first book, “How to Successfully Run for President,” which is slated to be released next Tuesday.  The 527-Page tome outlines several successful strategies on which he based his election and re-election campaigns.  It was extremely insightful as to how his mind works.  Chapters Include; Chapter One:  Hire Karl Rove, Chapter 5:  Call Your Opponent a Pussy Without Actually Calling Him a Pussy, Chapter 10:  How to Use a Major Religion to Your Advantage, Chapter 41:  Have Your Daddy Do it First, and Chapter 43:  Act dumb; Americans Love a Dumbass.

The book is surprisingly frank in nature but as President Bush stated in the book’s epilogue/coloring section, “Screw it!  It’s not like I need to win another election, and history books are for pussies anyway.”

His other books to be released over the course of the next few years also have the “How To…” theme; they include:

…Graduate Harvard and Yale (Not Necessarily in That Order)

…Be President

…Successfully Manage a Major League Baseball Team