Nexterday News

San Francisco, CA (NDNS) – San Francisco Police Chief Stanley Marks announced today that late last night negotiators were finally able to communicate with the leaders of what the media have been calling the “Apeanese Liberation Army.” They were able to do this because the ape second in command, a chimp named Koko, had been used in a study to teach apes sign language.

SFPD Special Ape Translator Maggie James spoke to reporters after the initial negotiations, “The ALA have made several demands. 1. Bananas, lots of bananas; 2, a helicopter to the airport; 3, a plane with a destination to the Congo; and 4, the in-flight movie must be Dunston Checks In or they will kill all the hostages.”

Also released today are the names of the hostages. Six of them are just random people who most of you wouldn’t care if they lived or died; but, one of the hostages is a relative of the Murdoch media fortune, and that is Patty Murdoch, a 19-year old college student and granddaughter of the late media mogul Rupert Murdoch. Thankfully, she is said to be in very good condition, while the others no one cares much about.

Middle-of-Nowhere, MI (NDNS) — So, if you’ve noticed the Nexterday News Team has been on a bit of a hiatus. We all have valid reasons, I swear! Bucky and Booker are working very hard on some film about Africans throwing a piece of plastic around (no word yet if it will be National Geographic style, if you know what I mean), Johnny Cochran has been critically dead for the last few years, and I, Henry Davis, have been on a vacation and have been heavily self-medicating for the last three weeks. Hey! Traveling through time collecting all the best news stories from the next fifty years is hard work!

Be back to work in the next few days.

Washington, DC (NDNS) — Last night the House Committee on Foreign Relations passed a non-binding resolution condemning the former Sudanese government in their involvement of the Darfur Genocide that happened a little more then forty years ago.   House Majority Leader, Joe Johnson (D-AL) said, “I’m glad that we could finally come to an agreement in the house to recognize a genocide in the Sudan.  I know it is forty years after the fact, but these things take time.  They are very delicate matters, that you can rush in all willy-nilly and expect something to get done.”

Reaction from the current Sudanese government has been generally negative.  The Sudanese ambassador  whose name we cannot figure out how to spell said, “My government is calling me back for consultations on how to deal with this.  You know a lot of  people died back then, but we didn’t call it a genocide, we called it cancer or mysterious circumstances.  But, I wouldn’t call it a genocide.  Oh, and hey!  Didn’t your country wipe out several million of your natives so that you could have more land?  Excuse me this phone call is for you it’s someone named Kettle Black; you know him?”

President Allen Walker has said that this resolution couldn’t come at a worse time as US soldiers are involved in peacekeeping operations in neighboring Somalia.  “At a time when a large bulk of our supplies to Somalia go through Sudan, it is poor policy for the House to do such a thing.”  When reminded that it was actually easier to get supplies to our troops in Somalia via the Indian Ocean, and not Sudan (which is a landlocked country) he responded, “Awww, shucks, don’t you know how these things work?”

Neither does he.

Kinshasa, Democratic Republic of the Congo (NDNS) — Today marks the 20th Anniversary of the outbreak of Fourth Congo War in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. With millions of lives and dollars lost the war seems to go on and on. Meanwhile, in America, no one seems to have noticed.