Nexterday News

Washington, D.C. (NDNS) - When the Toyota Corporation introduced POTUS-AI-1 three years ago, many pundits predicted a backlash against the Japanese company and expected Americans to be insulted at the insinuation that they can’t elect a good leader. Surprisingly, however, the public latched on to the idea of a programmable president, and early last year Congress easily passed a resolution that made the general elections strictly about POTUS-AI-1’s new programming, not candidates.

Melanie Yo, the spokeswoman for Toyota’s POTUS project from the beginning, said “the American public now can program a US president just the way they want rather than having to worry about what human politicians are saying just to get elected and inevitably implement some alternate agenda. The American public has grown tired of lies.”

“When I step down on January 20th of next year,” current President Mahmoud Al-Bahadai said, “I fully expect it will be the last time a human steps down as President of the United States of America. There is just no longer a need for a human president. This artificial intelligence is stronger, smarter, and able to work 24-hours a day, 7-days a week. This is indeed the beginning of a new era, and I know absolutely nothing is wrong with this idea.”

Voters turned out in record numbers yesterday to decide what parameters will be given to POTUS-AI-1 come January 20th of next year when it will be inaugurated and begin it’s non-stop eight year power-on cycle as US President.

“Not surprisingly,” Yo said in a press conference early this morning discussing the results, “the majority of Americans favor a positive Japanese relationship. They want to cancel all trading agreements with other countries and deal strictly with the Japanese market. They also want to protect Japan with their own military, and invest all of their tax dollars in all of Japan’s economic ventures. Later down the road, the US may even adopt Japan as it’s 51st state, later renaming the country the United State of Japan. But that’s all up to POTUS-AI-1 and Congress at this point.”

The results surprised many Americans, including Wilbur Morgan of Dallas, Texas.

“I don’t know how I feel about them pro-Japanese results,” Morgan said. “Nobody I know voted that way. But what choice do I got? I mean, they’re building the president for us so I guess we should trust ‘em.”

Washington, DC (NDNS) — Senator Frank Jimmerson (R-MN) was arrested at Boise International Airport yesterday when he tried to solicit sex from a Janitorbot in one of the airports bathroom facilities. Jimmerson has been well know in the last few years for fighting against so called, “Robosexuals,” individuals that like to participate in sexual escapades with robots.Spokesperson for the RNC, Bill Sanchez told Nexterday, “This is simply outragous! Never would I have ever thought that Frank was a “Robo” but I assume that he’ll resign in disgrace from the Senate. There is no room for Robosexuals in the Republican party!”

Dave Miller of the Morally Upstanding Americans for Goodness and Righteousness stated, “Senator Jimmerson had long been a financial supporter of our group; especially, when it came to issues of “Robosexuality.” So, we’ve decided to give all the money this pervert donated to a Robo-Reparative Therapy camp, Organic Acres. Where troubled young men and women can go and realize that God wanted them to love humans and not robots.”

Nexterday was able to obtain an exclusive interview with the Janitorbot, THX-1138, “I was not programmed for such activities. I also am not compatible with his “hardware.” The activity did not compute so I immediately alerted the airport’s Robo-Comand.”

And, in a related story; the American Medical Association recently declared tetanus a sexually transmitted disease.

Boston, MA — The Free Software Foundation presented the first 3G robot to be run entirely on free software in a ceremony today at the Boston harbor. GNUBot, as the robot is being referred to, is the product of over 2,000,000 different programmers around the world who have been writing the code since the early 1980’s.

Richard Stallman, the 91 year old founder of The Free Software Foundation, was ecstatic. “Once again, we have shown that free software can accomplish anything that proprietery software can. The possibilities for the GNUBot system are endless. Everything that people have come to expect from third generation robots can now be accomplished without being held to the shackles of Proprietary software. The GNUbot is Freedom.”

The GNUbot is configurable with most 3G robot models and the software can be found on all Bit Torrent trackers. It has been 2 years since Exemp, the software that powers 85% of all third generation robots was released by Microsoft. After a flurry of great news, Exemp has been the subject of many problems and complaints the last 6 months. Apple’s 3G offering still has no final release date with reports now saying their 3G entry won’t be ready until the third quarter of this year.

Houston, TX (NDNS) — Exactly fifty years ago, today, Neil Armstrong spoke those immortal words, “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” And, then he became the first man to step on the moon. Today, “man” returns to the moon in the form of a Japanese robot named, Mangetsu-Jinzouninge, which in English translates to, Full Moon Robot. This effort put forward by the Japanese company Toyota and American rocket and coffee manufacturer Lockheed-Martin-Starbucks enables them to claim the Google Lunar X-Prize of $30 Million. This allows those two companies to split the winnings to help recoup the enormous expense of privately sending something to the moon. The estimated cost is around half of a million to a billion dollars.

As to why these companies put so much money into an endeavor that has had very little return, the head of Toyota, Biru Noroshi said, “Nimo, itto genni ikasu, isasaka hoka kaishaku en ni-do?”

The American sponsor, Lockheed-Martin-Starbucks Chairman Bill Davies, didn’t understand what Biru Noroshi said but added, “Well, I don’t understand what Mr. Noroshi said, but I’d like to add that I’m very excited that our amazing rocket technology coupled with cool Japanese robots can help us return to the Moon.”

The robot, Mangetsu-Jinzouning, will tomorrow plant his master’s corporate flags and build the first ever lunar Starbucks with material from the Moon itself. This can be seen live at Noon on some television networks.

In a stunning move, justices Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen have taken speaker of the house, Nancy Pelosi, hostage. Speaking from the dome of the capitol building justice Mary Kate said, “We’ve had it! We’re sick of the androids side-stepping the constitution by claiming that they’re not human. If the United Android Party wants their leader, Mrs. Pelosi, back in one piece, then they had better listen to our demands. After all, if Mrs. Pelosi isn’t human, then we can’t be charged with murder!”

Justices Alito, Scalia, and Roberts concurred in part and dissented saying, “Well we did help rewrite the constitution and it was our intent that it should apply to all citizens, not just humans. Still, you can’t read into our intent and pull something out of the constitution that’s not actually written in it.”

The opposition dismissed this claim by pointing out that justices Alito, Scalia, and Roberts have all undergone severe agelifts. Justice Mary Kate speculates, “I bet they’re all at least 75% android. I mean I’m 65 years old, so they should have died a long time ago. It’s a huge conflict of interest in my opinion!”