Nexterday News

Los Angeles, CA (NDNS) — A court has ordered actress and pop singer Vanessa Hudgens to give up custody of her two children, to their biological father, Frank Zuckerman, better known in the media as, “F-zUCK.”

As of Wednesday at noon, joint custody will end between the two parents, and 100% custody will go Zuckerman; a 23 year old current backup dancer for KISS who once lit himself on fire at a water park, bought a Toyota Prius and modified it with a Chevy “Big Block” engine, and cries at the end of The Fast and the Furious. That guy has been deemed to be a better parent then Ms. Hudgens.

It isn’t certain why the court ordered Hudgens to give up custody of her children but it may have had something to do with a series of incidents involving alcohol, drugs, nudity, and letting one of her toddlers drive her home because she was too drunk. Oddly enough, LAPD officers who spotted the toddler driving commented that he was in fact one of the best drivers they have seen in the city in a very long time.

Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton said of this, “This is very reminiscent of Britney Spears a few years ago, before she gained 200 pounds. We can only hope that Ms. Hudgens can cope with this a lot better then Britney did. She’s currently responsible for half of my visitors; when Spears got bigger then the Good Year blimp my site stats went way down; that is until Hudgens went nuts.”

Hollywood, CA (NDNS) — Management for the rock band InXtreme announced today that they will be releasing the band’s “Greatest Hits” album during the second week of May. The only problem with this is that, it is their first album and have never had any hit songs.

Lead singer Snake Ripley said, “Well, I know we’ve never put out an album, per say. But, there have been a lot of bootlegs out there, and they’ve been really well received by our dozens and dozens of fans that we’ve met across this amazing country of America. And, putting out this “Greatest Hits” album can really help us connect with a whole new segment of people out there who have been unfortunate enough not be be able to listen to our rockin’ jams in all their rock glory.”

Tracks on the upcoming album will include; Talk Unclean to Me, Mulling the Mullet, The Super-Awesome Rock Band Known as InXtreme, and Audio of the Band Arguing With a Club Manager Who Did Not Like Them Very Much.

Rock critic, Barnes Noble from Splinder Magazine had this to say about InXtreme’s upcoming album, “It’s pure (expletive deleted), total excrement. How can a band, that no one’s ever heard of put out a “Greatest Hits” record? It’s preposterous I say. I’m sure the M-Tee-Vee crowd will love it, but they’re all (expletive deleted)-ing ‘tards anyway. Piss off!”

When told of the comments of Mr. Noble the band’s manager Ron Decline was furious, “That no talent hack said what? (Expletive deleted) that (expletive deleted)-ing (expletive deleted)-er! All that guy can do is write, but can he make hit records? No! Only I can create hit records! The rest are all imitators! Traitors to the glory of rock and roll! Phil Spector, pfft (sic) he learned everything from me, except how to cover up a murder. Rick Rubin, the long beard was created by me and ZZ Top! Kanye! Yeah, well I suppose he’s fairly decent. But! He doesn’t do Rock and a Rolla (sic)! The real rock fans out there, and you know who they are, know real Rock when they see it, and they see it in InXtreme!“

“Real Rock Fan” Angel Harris, a 14-year old girl from Greenwich, Connecticut, said, “Oh, may (sic) gawd (sic)! I just saw these guys, no, these, like rock gauds (sic)! I saw InXtreme on TRL, they are sooooo (sic) rock (sic). And, Snake is sooooo (sic) dreamy!”

Washington, DC (NDNS) — Tomorrow, September 11th, 2011, marks the tenth anniversary of the Al Qaeda attack on the World Trade Center and Pentagon. To mark the unfortunate event the 2nd 9/11 Commission will release a report saying that 9/11 was in fact NOT an “inside job” and that 9/11 Conspiracy theorists are just really dumb assholes.

Dumb asshole, Dylan Avery, the director of Loose Change, a movie about 9/11 saying it was a conspiracy had this to say, “Like, that panel is nothing but a bunch of LIARS! DIRTY! DIRTY! LIARS! PANTS ON FIRES! Yeah!”

Committee chair Barack Obama stated, “There was absolutely no obfuscation of any materials that we asked for. The President has been totally forth coming with all information and has allowed us access to all of the intelligence gathering agencies, and without a doubt the people responsible for 9/11 was Al-Qaeda and that the Loose Change guys are in fact a bunch of assholes.”

The committee is not releasing all the information in regards to why they came to their decisions, but said that it would harm national security, and you really don’t want to know how bad it really is.

For some background information please use this link.

Washington, DC (NDNS) — Early in the previous decade Republican leaders claimed to be building a “Permanent Majority.”  Democratic leaders now, in secret, are claiming to build a “Permanent Minority.”  In secret transcripts obtained by Nexeterday News, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi bragged, “This minority stuff is great!  All we have to do is bitch, bitch, bitch!  And, we don’t even have to lead on anything; leadership was much too hard anyway.”

RNC Spokesperson, Al Mason said, “Cool.”

Things looked good for Democratic leadership back in 2007; opinions polls were in their favor and they controlled both houses of Congress.   Then, everything started to unravel.  First, Democrats failed to push hard enough for an end to hostilities in Iraq.  Michigan voted to move their primary up ahead of Iowa and New Hampshire.  Most of the Democratic field pulled their names off the ballot and Michigan’s delegates to the 2008 Democratic National Convention in Denver were barred.  This lead the way for a Republican to win that state’s seventeen electoral votes for the first time since George H.W. Bush in 1988.

Since then, it has been downhill.  The Democrats were able to secure Congress in the White House, but this past fall Republicans took it all back.  Their leadership has been restored in Congress and President Romney at the helm of the Oval Office.  Even though they’ve enacted some rather bad policy, the polls are still in their favor, because as one man put it, Randy Ventura of Spokane, Washington, “The Republicans are a-holes, but the Democrats have been giant pussies.  What we need is a party of dicks.”

We were able to interview former DNC Chair Howard Dean but for the entirety of the interview he kept banging his head against his desk chanting, “Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.”

We were able to catch up with third-party spoiler, Ralph Nader, “This is fantastic!  This is what I’ve always talked about.  This will lead to real change.  Like, flying cars, a cure for rabies,* tomatoes and potatoes that cure cancer, giant mollusks that fight our wars for us, and robots from Mars enslaving us.  It’s all really exciting.”

*Editors note:  Rabies has already been cured.  He wouldn’t listen to us when we told him this.

Chicago, IL (NDNS) — In an effort to boost lagging sales in the United States, McDonald’s has taken a new, more adult, approach to fast food sales; beer. For the first time in the US McDonald’s will sell Anheuser-Busch brand beer products next to Coca-Cola soft drink products. This is nothing new to European McDonald’s consumers but is radically different in the States.

“This is exciting and new,” stated McDonald’s PR rep Mark Hallogen, “Not only am ‘I eatin’ it’ now ‘I’m drinkin’ it’ too! The American consumer wants constant updates and changes. Suck it Burger King!”

Parents groups, especially in the American South have become quite concerned; such as Beverly Miller of Morally Upstanding Americans for Goodness and Righteousness, “McDonald’s has long advertised to our nation’s children. They’ve put in ‘Play Places’ and advertised with a happy burger loving clown. Now we have drunk adults coming onto the Play Places, and Ronald is not much more then a drunken lush. I got something for you Ronald; ‘I’m abstainin’ (sic) it!’”

Not so says McDonald’s spokes-clown Ronald McDonald, “Hey, I’m a (expletive deleted)-ing adult, G-d dammit! A clown maybe, but an adult first! I can drink when I (expletive deleted) want now! I might be a lush but that (expletive deleted) is a total (expletive deleted) (expletive deleted)!” Said while highly intoxicated at the opening of a new “Ronald McDonald House.”

One thing is for sure; after work this reporter is going to go out and get McShloshed! Cheers!