Nexterday News

Crawford, TX (NDNS) — BUSH DECLARES WAR!  On, high mattress prices that is!  The former President of the United States is using this President’s Day to open his very own mattress store in Crawford called, “Bush’s Bed Emporium.”

“I have declared war on terror, Afghanistan, Iraq, and now high mattress prices.  The Crawford people deserve better and I promise as President of Bush’s Bed Emporium I will fight the evil doers down at Lynch’s Furniture.  They’re hiding Prices of Mass Wallet Destruction, and we will fight them starting this President’s Day!”

Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf spokesperson for Lynch’s Furniture and former Information Minister of Iraq held a press conference denying all of the President’s charges.  “These are all lies!  Lynch’s Furniture possesses no such “Prices of Mass Wallet Destruction.”  These are bigger lies then when he invaded my former country!  And, those, my main man, are big lies.  Did a tank just drive behind me?”

There is no telling how long this price war will go on for.  We spoke with a Mattress Economics Professor from Harvard, Dr. Seely Simmons about this.  “The sheer power of Bush’s Bed Emporium will overwhelm Lynch’s Furniture.  But, Lynch’s Furniture is nothing compared to the power of IKEA.  IKEA will discreetly come into the market due to the power vacuum created by the departure of the Lynch Furniture hierarchy.  They will do it though the internet, catalogs, and an insurgent campaign so simple that the Bush Bed Emporium will be clueless to deal with.”

Bush is already planning a celebration in May aboard his pontoon boat, The Lincoln, he will be reusing the “Mission Accomplished” banner from nine years ago when he declared the War in Iraq over.

New York, NY (NDNS) — Electronics manufacturer Moto-Apple-Illips has released the first cellular telephone that is the size of an actual human skin cell, and is implanted behind the customer’s eardrum.  The dialing process is done though just thinking about the person that you want to talk to.  And, your voice is picked up through vibrations carried though the users face, while able to block out background noises.

Melvin Ackerman, the man who invented what he calls the “Cell” Phone says, “I thought about this way back in 1999 when I was swimming and my cell phone was stolen.  I thought, wouldn’t it be cool if there was a cell phone the size of a cell.  That way no one can steal it without cutting my head off.”

Police around the country have seen several instances of people being beheaded; each of these victims was thought to be a “beta tester” for the “Cell” Phone.  FBI Investigator Tom Jacobs told Nexterday, “It’s not like I would try to encourage persons not to buy the product, but to be extra careful where they put their heads.”

Brainy Egg Head scientist from discredited Harvard University, Dr. Dick Hammond disagreed, “Oh, I completely discourage anyone from using the “Cell” Phone because of the harmful radiation it puts out directly into the brain.  I installed one into a lab rat named Missy, and she developed a tumor in her head that grew to the size of a basketball, this product is totally dangerous and should not be used by anyone.”

This reporter is himself using the new “Cell” Phone, and is loving it.  But, my hats don’t seem to fit anymore.