Nexterday News

Crawford, TX (NDNS) — BUSH DECLARES WAR!  On, high mattress prices that is!  The former President of the United States is using this President’s Day to open his very own mattress store in Crawford called, “Bush’s Bed Emporium.”

“I have declared war on terror, Afghanistan, Iraq, and now high mattress prices.  The Crawford people deserve better and I promise as President of Bush’s Bed Emporium I will fight the evil doers down at Lynch’s Furniture.  They’re hiding Prices of Mass Wallet Destruction, and we will fight them starting this President’s Day!”

Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf spokesperson for Lynch’s Furniture and former Information Minister of Iraq held a press conference denying all of the President’s charges.  “These are all lies!  Lynch’s Furniture possesses no such “Prices of Mass Wallet Destruction.”  These are bigger lies then when he invaded my former country!  And, those, my main man, are big lies.  Did a tank just drive behind me?”

There is no telling how long this price war will go on for.  We spoke with a Mattress Economics Professor from Harvard, Dr. Seely Simmons about this.  “The sheer power of Bush’s Bed Emporium will overwhelm Lynch’s Furniture.  But, Lynch’s Furniture is nothing compared to the power of IKEA.  IKEA will discreetly come into the market due to the power vacuum created by the departure of the Lynch Furniture hierarchy.  They will do it though the internet, catalogs, and an insurgent campaign so simple that the Bush Bed Emporium will be clueless to deal with.”

Bush is already planning a celebration in May aboard his pontoon boat, The Lincoln, he will be reusing the “Mission Accomplished” banner from nine years ago when he declared the War in Iraq over.

Geneva, Switzerland (NDNS) –  In the first time since the Napoleonic Era, Switzerland has become engulfed by war, or at least in theory.  They’ve declared war against the island territory of the Cayman Islands.  Not much is expected to come to this because the Cayman’s don’t have a military and Switzerland is landlocked and thus does not have a Navy.

Swiss Foreign Minister Otto Bremmer said, “It’ll all be over by X-Mas.  We will not send them any products with the Swiss Army brand on it, such  as watches and knifes.  They are very popular around the holidays and they’ll be forced to surrender.”

The causes for the war are few, very few, one actually; illegal banking (LINK).  The Swiss used to be the number one tax shelter for companies, Nazis, and rogues from all nations, but have recently been over taken by the small British territory in the Caribbean.

Gary Burrell Jr. the son of the founder of Garmin, ltd (LINK), whose company is “headquartered” in George Town, Cayman Islands, told Nexterday, “The Cayman’s have always been a much better tax shelter then Switzerland would’ve been.  It’s so cold there, where I actually visit our one room headquarters that absolutely no business is actually done in, but it’s super warm there and the babes are hot.”

We tried to get a hold of the Cayman Island Foreign Secretary, but that position does not exist, and we’re told if they did, he’d be out on the beach drinking and unable to talk to us anyway.

Beijing, China (NDNS) –  Advocacy group, People Against the Inhuman Treatment of People in China (P.A.I.T.P.C) came out today blasting the latest decree by the Communist Chinese Government that stated that citizens who “spread rumors” or “endanger the public safety” when sending mind-text messages will be subject to arrest by the Chineses People’s Police Force (CPPF).  The expatriate group based out of Taiwan has stated that China’s crackdown against mind-texting is a serious affront to human rights, especially since the punishment involves confiscation of the frontal lobe, and the family of the offender is then charged for the cost of the full-frontal lobotomy.

P.A.I.T.P.C spokes person Xi Xenu said to Nexterday, “The government of the so called People’s Republic on the mainland is acting like they’re Joe Kennedy and their retarded daughter is the two billion people of China.  This is an outrage!”  Mr. Xenu making reference to the father of late US President John Kennedy, Joseph Kennedy, who had John’s older, retarded, sister receive a lobotomy.

China’s Minister of Foreign Public Relations Mitch Tucker (formerly the Governor of Hawaii, a former US State) stated, “When citizens create instability amongst other citizens against the people, we the government, the protectors of the great people, must step in to do something about it.  And, it is only fair to then charge the family of the offender the cost of the punishment, since because of their bad influences caused the offender to attack the people of China.  And, that offender must no longer be able to send mind-texts that rot the brains of others who would not like to get such a mind text.”

The citizens of the former US State of Hawaii have become rather outraged by this claiming that it is a violation of their First Amendment rights, which they actually no longer have since coming under Chinese rule three years ago.

Mind-texting is a cellular service that is very much like a text-message that you might receive on your cell phone, except it is sent and encoded directly into the brain so that when in noisy clubs or bars you can be sure to always receive your messages.  The technology has become very popular throughout China, and most of Asia, while so far not reaching much popularity in the United States and Europe because of the rather invasive surgery that it takes to install the mind-texting device; and because of the large instances of tumors that it creates inside the brain.  And, will probably never take hold in Africa because everyone there died of AIDS 2:  The Super AIDS 13 years ago.

Beverly Hills, CA (NDNS) – Human rights groups from around the world are currently outraged at Luigi Marconi of Encino, CA yesterday for opening America’s first (at least since the late-1850’s) “Luigi’s Imported Used Baby Emporium.” Luigi an Italian immigrant and former owner of “Luigi’s Imported Used Car Emporium” got the idea from seeing celebrities fawn over adopting children from overseas.

“You see, before I opened my store only A-List celebrities could afford to travel overseas and get a foreign made baby; but, now even B-List celebrities, the moderately wealthy, and Kathy Griffin can afford a used foreign baby. What we do is go overseas to find the best of the crop of foreign used babies, bring them over here, and sell them wholesale! You want a baby from Burma? Done! You want a child from Cambodia? Done! You want a kid from Kenya? Done!”

Human Rights advocate Monica Speers stated on behalf of Children Are Not Slaves, “This is a terrible outrage what that bastard Luigi Marconi is doing! Children are not to be bought and sold on the open market like imported iguanas! I swear, and I know it’s a very serious felony, but if I ever meet this bastard I’ll stab the mother f**ker!”

When asked about the moral implications of selling babies Mr. Marconi responded, “I am a free-market capitalist. It is in my best interests to put these babies in the best homes possible, at acceptable market rates. It costs a lot for me to send teams to countries all over the world and kidnap, I mean, deal with local governments to remove children who are being mistreated in run down orphanages; beaten by nuns, molested by priests, all very sad. And, it’s that CANS organization they are the real baby killers. And, abortionist, they kill a lot of babies too you know. Also, foreign babies are better for the environment then American made babies. The foreign ones eat so much less.”

Brad and Louise Davis of Orange County, CA were among the first customers, “Oh, we just love little Diem (their Vietnamese born used child), he’s so much better then our previous child. They gave us a great deal to trade in Ben Jr. Ben Jr. just ate so much food it was a drain on our budgets and bad for the environment. Diem is happy with just a bowl of rice a day. Thanks Luigi!”

Celebrities like Angelina Jolie are delighted at the new service, “Finally, I don’t actually have to go to those smelly foreign places anymore, and I can finally stop sucking up to the f**king U.N. I swear all Ban Ki-Moon does when I’m around is stare at my juggs.”

And, without Ban Ki-Moon staring at Angelina’s juggs, maybe we’re that much closer to world peace.

Beijing, China (NDNS) — The Chinese Ministry of Science announced that four days after the successful launch of a Long March 6 rocket, they have finally landed Chinamen on the moon. The Chinamen Astronauts (or, as they preferred to be called, “Taikonauts”) are apparently annoyed at American media for repeatedly calling them “Chinamen.”

“This is very displeasing to us. We are men, who happen to be Chinese. We find the term degrading. You’re just upset that we’re the first men on the moon in the twenty-first century. And, that you can’t even get your rockets off the ground.” Said Taikonaut Xi Xichang, commander of the Communist Moon Mission.

NASA spokesperson Randy Elliot released this statement on behalf of NASA, “Whoop-de-(expletive deleted)! We did that in the sixties, the nine-teen sixties with vacuum tube powered computers and a rocket that we were fairly certain would explode. We’ve been there, done that. We’re focused on going back to the International Space Station for now. Now, that’s an achievement! And, if you want to help us with that achievement donations can be sent in via our website, www.NASA.gov, anything would really be appreciated. Last weeks bake sale did not go as well as could be expected. Stan’s Mom forgot to bake the lemon wedges.”

Mr. Elliot was obviously referencing that since the retirement of the Space Shuttles in 2012 and the utter failure that was Project Orion, Americans have not been able to launch a manned space flight in ten years. During the Bush Administration, NASA set a goal for reaching back to the Moon two years ago, but as of now seem two decades away from that goal.