Nexterday News

With only 4 days remaining until the important Guam Democratic Primary, former U.S. President has opted to switch sides and endorse Sen. Barack Obama over his wife, Sen. Hillary Clinton. This latest blow to the Hillary campaign may signal the end of Hillary’s Presidential ambitions.

“Have you seen his wife? WOWZERS!” said President Clinton of Michelle Obama “If my wife was that hot I never would have slept with a fat intern.”

“We’re Pulling a Train” said Sen. Obama metaphorically, “All the way to Denver and then on to the White House and I’ll take all the help I can get. I have always respected and admired President Clinton and am very Grateful for his support.”  The Clinton Campaign was unavailable for comment prior to news time.

Washington, D.C. (NDNS) - When the Toyota Corporation introduced POTUS-AI-1 three years ago, many pundits predicted a backlash against the Japanese company and expected Americans to be insulted at the insinuation that they can’t elect a good leader. Surprisingly, however, the public latched on to the idea of a programmable president, and early last year Congress easily passed a resolution that made the general elections strictly about POTUS-AI-1’s new programming, not candidates.

Melanie Yo, the spokeswoman for Toyota’s POTUS project from the beginning, said “the American public now can program a US president just the way they want rather than having to worry about what human politicians are saying just to get elected and inevitably implement some alternate agenda. The American public has grown tired of lies.”

“When I step down on January 20th of next year,” current President Mahmoud Al-Bahadai said, “I fully expect it will be the last time a human steps down as President of the United States of America. There is just no longer a need for a human president. This artificial intelligence is stronger, smarter, and able to work 24-hours a day, 7-days a week. This is indeed the beginning of a new era, and I know absolutely nothing is wrong with this idea.”

Voters turned out in record numbers yesterday to decide what parameters will be given to POTUS-AI-1 come January 20th of next year when it will be inaugurated and begin it’s non-stop eight year power-on cycle as US President.

“Not surprisingly,” Yo said in a press conference early this morning discussing the results, “the majority of Americans favor a positive Japanese relationship. They want to cancel all trading agreements with other countries and deal strictly with the Japanese market. They also want to protect Japan with their own military, and invest all of their tax dollars in all of Japan’s economic ventures. Later down the road, the US may even adopt Japan as it’s 51st state, later renaming the country the United State of Japan. But that’s all up to POTUS-AI-1 and Congress at this point.”

The results surprised many Americans, including Wilbur Morgan of Dallas, Texas.

“I don’t know how I feel about them pro-Japanese results,” Morgan said. “Nobody I know voted that way. But what choice do I got? I mean, they’re building the president for us so I guess we should trust ‘em.”

Washington, DC (NDNS) — Last night the House Committee on Foreign Relations passed a non-binding resolution condemning the former Sudanese government in their involvement of the Darfur Genocide that happened a little more then forty years ago.   House Majority Leader, Joe Johnson (D-AL) said, “I’m glad that we could finally come to an agreement in the house to recognize a genocide in the Sudan.  I know it is forty years after the fact, but these things take time.  They are very delicate matters, that you can rush in all willy-nilly and expect something to get done.”

Reaction from the current Sudanese government has been generally negative.  The Sudanese ambassador  whose name we cannot figure out how to spell said, “My government is calling me back for consultations on how to deal with this.  You know a lot of  people died back then, but we didn’t call it a genocide, we called it cancer or mysterious circumstances.  But, I wouldn’t call it a genocide.  Oh, and hey!  Didn’t your country wipe out several million of your natives so that you could have more land?  Excuse me this phone call is for you it’s someone named Kettle Black; you know him?”

President Allen Walker has said that this resolution couldn’t come at a worse time as US soldiers are involved in peacekeeping operations in neighboring Somalia.  “At a time when a large bulk of our supplies to Somalia go through Sudan, it is poor policy for the House to do such a thing.”  When reminded that it was actually easier to get supplies to our troops in Somalia via the Indian Ocean, and not Sudan (which is a landlocked country) he responded, “Awww, shucks, don’t you know how these things work?”

Neither does he.

Washington, DC (NDNS) — Early in the previous decade Republican leaders claimed to be building a “Permanent Majority.”  Democratic leaders now, in secret, are claiming to build a “Permanent Minority.”  In secret transcripts obtained by Nexeterday News, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi bragged, “This minority stuff is great!  All we have to do is bitch, bitch, bitch!  And, we don’t even have to lead on anything; leadership was much too hard anyway.”

RNC Spokesperson, Al Mason said, “Cool.”

Things looked good for Democratic leadership back in 2007; opinions polls were in their favor and they controlled both houses of Congress.   Then, everything started to unravel.  First, Democrats failed to push hard enough for an end to hostilities in Iraq.  Michigan voted to move their primary up ahead of Iowa and New Hampshire.  Most of the Democratic field pulled their names off the ballot and Michigan’s delegates to the 2008 Democratic National Convention in Denver were barred.  This lead the way for a Republican to win that state’s seventeen electoral votes for the first time since George H.W. Bush in 1988.

Since then, it has been downhill.  The Democrats were able to secure Congress in the White House, but this past fall Republicans took it all back.  Their leadership has been restored in Congress and President Romney at the helm of the Oval Office.  Even though they’ve enacted some rather bad policy, the polls are still in their favor, because as one man put it, Randy Ventura of Spokane, Washington, “The Republicans are a-holes, but the Democrats have been giant pussies.  What we need is a party of dicks.”

We were able to interview former DNC Chair Howard Dean but for the entirety of the interview he kept banging his head against his desk chanting, “Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.”

We were able to catch up with third-party spoiler, Ralph Nader, “This is fantastic!  This is what I’ve always talked about.  This will lead to real change.  Like, flying cars, a cure for rabies,* tomatoes and potatoes that cure cancer, giant mollusks that fight our wars for us, and robots from Mars enslaving us.  It’s all really exciting.”

*Editors note:  Rabies has already been cured.  He wouldn’t listen to us when we told him this.

Washington, DC (NDNS) — A century ago, our ancestors fought a long and brutal war against Nazi Germany; a hundred years later, fascism’s decedent, the American Nazi Party (ANP), is finally starting to take a toe-hold in American politics. How can this be so? With images of death camps still fresh in people’s minds, because death camp photos don’t tend to be easily erased, even a hundred years later, how can people support a group that identifies with National Socialism, Adolf Hitler, and the Holocaust?Last week I spoke with Hans Von Tropp, a high ranking member of the ANP, who has a thick silly sounding German accent, “You see, ve (sic) now consider ourselves a very, how you say, “progressive” organization. Ve (sic) are no longer for ze (sic) extermination of ze (sic) Jews. But, ve (sic) are for ze (sic) extermination of burdensome taxes, ze (sic) extermination of abortion, ve (sic) are for protecting human life at every stage; born, unborn, or Jew it does not matter. Oh, and ve (sic) are for ze (sic) extermination of global varming (sic) because it is responsible for ze (sic) extermination of ze (sic) Polar Bear; the grand symbol of Aryan supremacy.”

Currently, the group is polling at a five-percent approval rating in the United States. Not nearly enough to garner enough support to elect a President, or the local dog catcher at that. But, people still find it worrisome that there are five-percent of Americans who would support them, such as Democratic strategist Wilford McMillan, “It has taken one-hundred years for this group to get five-percent approval in this country. At this rate, we should probably start worrying in about five-hundred years. But, it could grow faster, their anti-tax and pro-environment messages really resonates with voters. But, seriously, I’d vote for a Republican before I’d vote for these guys. And, I know I’ve often likened my Republican opponents as Nazi’s; for that, I was wrong. At least Republicans have never actively or publicly called for the extermination of any race. Though, I still have my doubts about what they say in private. But, that’s just speculation. You’re not going to print that last part right?”

Nexterday did manage to find one man who would go on the record with us about his support of the ANP, a Billy Bob Dirkins of Jackson, Mississippi, “Well, I don’t like taxes, and I don’t like global warming. I really do miss the Polar Bear, they were white like me!”