Nexterday News

The United States (NDNS) — One of our advertisers though Google here on Nexterday is claiming that they know more about the future then we do. Not only that they say the world ends this year! When we know know the world will be ending in 2234 (story pending) and as a result of Nazi-Aliens from the planet Blooblat in the Pegasus Galaxy invading and then spreading a terrible plague.

Though it’s not always a good idea to call out our advertizers, we feel that this is necessary because we maintain that we are the very best source of your future news anywhere on the internet. This is a message about integrity; which we have buttloads of.

Crawford, TX (NDNS) — BUSH DECLARES WAR!  On, high mattress prices that is!  The former President of the United States is using this President’s Day to open his very own mattress store in Crawford called, “Bush’s Bed Emporium.”

“I have declared war on terror, Afghanistan, Iraq, and now high mattress prices.  The Crawford people deserve better and I promise as President of Bush’s Bed Emporium I will fight the evil doers down at Lynch’s Furniture.  They’re hiding Prices of Mass Wallet Destruction, and we will fight them starting this President’s Day!”

Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf spokesperson for Lynch’s Furniture and former Information Minister of Iraq held a press conference denying all of the President’s charges.  “These are all lies!  Lynch’s Furniture possesses no such “Prices of Mass Wallet Destruction.”  These are bigger lies then when he invaded my former country!  And, those, my main man, are big lies.  Did a tank just drive behind me?”

There is no telling how long this price war will go on for.  We spoke with a Mattress Economics Professor from Harvard, Dr. Seely Simmons about this.  “The sheer power of Bush’s Bed Emporium will overwhelm Lynch’s Furniture.  But, Lynch’s Furniture is nothing compared to the power of IKEA.  IKEA will discreetly come into the market due to the power vacuum created by the departure of the Lynch Furniture hierarchy.  They will do it though the internet, catalogs, and an insurgent campaign so simple that the Bush Bed Emporium will be clueless to deal with.”

Bush is already planning a celebration in May aboard his pontoon boat, The Lincoln, he will be reusing the “Mission Accomplished” banner from nine years ago when he declared the War in Iraq over.

San Francisco, CA (NDNS) – San Francisco Police Chief Stanley Marks announced today that late last night negotiators were finally able to communicate with the leaders of what the media have been calling the “Apeanese Liberation Army.” They were able to do this because the ape second in command, a chimp named Koko, had been used in a study to teach apes sign language.

SFPD Special Ape Translator Maggie James spoke to reporters after the initial negotiations, “The ALA have made several demands. 1. Bananas, lots of bananas; 2, a helicopter to the airport; 3, a plane with a destination to the Congo; and 4, the in-flight movie must be Dunston Checks In or they will kill all the hostages.”

Also released today are the names of the hostages. Six of them are just random people who most of you wouldn’t care if they lived or died; but, one of the hostages is a relative of the Murdoch media fortune, and that is Patty Murdoch, a 19-year old college student and granddaughter of the late media mogul Rupert Murdoch. Thankfully, she is said to be in very good condition, while the others no one cares much about.

San Francisco, CA (NDNS) — Today marks day two of the “Armed Ape Revolution” at the San Francisco Zoo.  Police say the Ape Army has so far made no demands.  SFPD Police Chief Stanley Marks said during a press conference, “We believe they’ve made no demands, because they lack verbal communication skills.”

Chief Marks also had to stave off a series of questions in regards to the now released 9-1-1 transcripts that details a lack of urgency by the staff operator and a Mr. Stephen Tyrone of the SF Zoo.

9-1-1 Operator:  9-1-1 Emergency.  What is your emergency?

Stephen Tyrone (SF Zoo Employee):  The apes are attacking!  Here at the zoo!  They’ve got guns and are shooting and taking hostages!

9-1-1 Operator:  Now sir, this is not funny.  9-1-1 is for very serious emergencies only, and it is against to law to make false reports.

Stephen Tyrone:  Holy crap!  I think that one ape just did a roundhouse kick!  Listen!  If this were a prank I’d come up with something more original!  There are these that apes stole guns from some NRA a—holes that came bearing arms.

9-1-1 Operator:  So, they showed up with bear arms. I thought you said the monkeys had guns.  So far I’m not convinced.

Stephen Tyrone:  No!  Arms, like in guns!  And, they’re chimps! Gorillas!  And orangutans!  They’re not monkeys!  They’re members of the great ape family!

***Audible gunshots***

Stephen Tyrone:  Oh God!  I’ve been shot!  Do you believe me now!

9-1-1 Operator:  It just sounds like you’ve got on the TV too loud in the background.  Now, will you please hang up so that I can deal with real emergencies!

Stephen Tyrone:  You f—king bitch!  Oh, my God!  They’ve heard me!  They’re coming for me!  Please send help now!  Tell my wife and kids that I love them!

***Audible gunshots followed by apes grunting and then ripping the cord off the line, and a busy signal***

9-1-1 Operator:  Oh my.

Only after the last part of the exchange did the operator send police.  Stephen Tyrone was thirty-eight years old, leaving behind a wife and three children ages nine, six, and three.

Los Angeles, CA (NDNS) — A court has ordered actress and pop singer Vanessa Hudgens to give up custody of her two children, to their biological father, Frank Zuckerman, better known in the media as, “F-zUCK.”

As of Wednesday at noon, joint custody will end between the two parents, and 100% custody will go Zuckerman; a 23 year old current backup dancer for KISS who once lit himself on fire at a water park, bought a Toyota Prius and modified it with a Chevy “Big Block” engine, and cries at the end of The Fast and the Furious. That guy has been deemed to be a better parent then Ms. Hudgens.

It isn’t certain why the court ordered Hudgens to give up custody of her children but it may have had something to do with a series of incidents involving alcohol, drugs, nudity, and letting one of her toddlers drive her home because she was too drunk. Oddly enough, LAPD officers who spotted the toddler driving commented that he was in fact one of the best drivers they have seen in the city in a very long time.

Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton said of this, “This is very reminiscent of Britney Spears a few years ago, before she gained 200 pounds. We can only hope that Ms. Hudgens can cope with this a lot better then Britney did. She’s currently responsible for half of my visitors; when Spears got bigger then the Good Year blimp my site stats went way down; that is until Hudgens went nuts.”