Nexterday News

Middle-of-Nowhere, MI (NDNS) — So, if you’ve noticed the Nexterday News Team has been on a bit of a hiatus. We all have valid reasons, I swear! Bucky and Booker are working very hard on some film about Africans throwing a piece of plastic around (no word yet if it will be National Geographic style, if you know what I mean), Johnny Cochran has been critically dead for the last few years, and I, Henry Davis, have been on a vacation and have been heavily self-medicating for the last three weeks. Hey! Traveling through time collecting all the best news stories from the next fifty years is hard work!

Be back to work in the next few days.

Beijing, China (NDNS) — Two years ago China built the world’s largest Ferris Wheel, now to celebrate the sixtieth anniversary of the creation of the People’s Republic of China they have installed the World’s Tallest Merry-Go-Round.  This supplants the “Himmelskibet” in Copenhagen, Denmark that measures at Eighty-Meters in height.  The new record for the Chinese Merry-Go-Round is eighty-eight meters in height. 

The ride features all of the creatures of the Chinese calendar; Rat, Ox, Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon, Snake, Horse (traditionally on Merry-Go-Rounds anyway), Sheep, Monkey, Cock, Dog, and Pig.  

Chinese President Hu Jintao spoke at the ceremony opening the ride, “This is a very good day for the People’s Republic!  They said we couldn’t put a man in space; but, we did it!  They said we couldn’t build the world’s largest Ferris Wheel; but, we did it!  And, they said we couldn’t build the world’s largest  Merry-Go-Round; but we did it!  When the people as a collective put their minds together we can accomplish anything!  World’s largest Tilt-a-Whirl; YOU’RE NEXT!”

Hollywood, CA (NDNS) — Television anti-crime activist and host of America’s Most Wanted, John Walsh, purchased MySpace yesterday for $500 Million Dollars. It totals as an $80 Million loss in value that NewsCorp purchased the company back in 2005.

NewsCorp Spokesperson Peter Dickman explained this to reporters, “It became inevitable that we would have to sell off the MySpace property as it mostly became a haven for pedophiles. The non-pedophile population of MySpace accounts for only about 15 percent of users, and of those users they tend to be under the age of 18 not knowing that it has become a breeding ground for pedophiles and are not totally aware of Facebook as they’re not in college yet. NewsCorp does not want to be associated with that many pedophiles.”

In a note of interest, Pedophile Island has become a ratings bonanza on NewsCorp owned Fox Networks. And, this past summer To Catch a Big Brother on CBS and NBC has increased ratings in the show’s third season.

Walsh isn’t the only person or organization involved in this venture, as he does not have half a billion to throw around. Other share holders include, but are not limited to; Chris Hansen, several anti-pedophile groups, and Pee-Wee Herman.

John Walsh said of the purchase, “Yes, I know that this is costing a lot, but it’s extremely valuable to law enforcement to have a one-stop-shop for tracking down and capturing pedophiles.”

Beijing, China (NDNS) — The Chinese Ministry of Science announced that four days after the successful launch of a Long March 6 rocket, they have finally landed Chinamen on the moon. The Chinamen Astronauts (or, as they preferred to be called, “Taikonauts”) are apparently annoyed at American media for repeatedly calling them “Chinamen.”

“This is very displeasing to us. We are men, who happen to be Chinese. We find the term degrading. You’re just upset that we’re the first men on the moon in the twenty-first century. And, that you can’t even get your rockets off the ground.” Said Taikonaut Xi Xichang, commander of the Communist Moon Mission.

NASA spokesperson Randy Elliot released this statement on behalf of NASA, “Whoop-de-(expletive deleted)! We did that in the sixties, the nine-teen sixties with vacuum tube powered computers and a rocket that we were fairly certain would explode. We’ve been there, done that. We’re focused on going back to the International Space Station for now. Now, that’s an achievement! And, if you want to help us with that achievement donations can be sent in via our website, www.NASA.gov, anything would really be appreciated. Last weeks bake sale did not go as well as could be expected. Stan’s Mom forgot to bake the lemon wedges.”

Mr. Elliot was obviously referencing that since the retirement of the Space Shuttles in 2012 and the utter failure that was Project Orion, Americans have not been able to launch a manned space flight in ten years. During the Bush Administration, NASA set a goal for reaching back to the Moon two years ago, but as of now seem two decades away from that goal.

Hollywood, CA (NDNS) — Management for the rock band InXtreme announced today that they will be releasing the band’s “Greatest Hits” album during the second week of May. The only problem with this is that, it is their first album and have never had any hit songs.

Lead singer Snake Ripley said, “Well, I know we’ve never put out an album, per say. But, there have been a lot of bootlegs out there, and they’ve been really well received by our dozens and dozens of fans that we’ve met across this amazing country of America. And, putting out this “Greatest Hits” album can really help us connect with a whole new segment of people out there who have been unfortunate enough not be be able to listen to our rockin’ jams in all their rock glory.”

Tracks on the upcoming album will include; Talk Unclean to Me, Mulling the Mullet, The Super-Awesome Rock Band Known as InXtreme, and Audio of the Band Arguing With a Club Manager Who Did Not Like Them Very Much.

Rock critic, Barnes Noble from Splinder Magazine had this to say about InXtreme’s upcoming album, “It’s pure (expletive deleted), total excrement. How can a band, that no one’s ever heard of put out a “Greatest Hits” record? It’s preposterous I say. I’m sure the M-Tee-Vee crowd will love it, but they’re all (expletive deleted)-ing ‘tards anyway. Piss off!”

When told of the comments of Mr. Noble the band’s manager Ron Decline was furious, “That no talent hack said what? (Expletive deleted) that (expletive deleted)-ing (expletive deleted)-er! All that guy can do is write, but can he make hit records? No! Only I can create hit records! The rest are all imitators! Traitors to the glory of rock and roll! Phil Spector, pfft (sic) he learned everything from me, except how to cover up a murder. Rick Rubin, the long beard was created by me and ZZ Top! Kanye! Yeah, well I suppose he’s fairly decent. But! He doesn’t do Rock and a Rolla (sic)! The real rock fans out there, and you know who they are, know real Rock when they see it, and they see it in InXtreme!“

“Real Rock Fan” Angel Harris, a 14-year old girl from Greenwich, Connecticut, said, “Oh, may (sic) gawd (sic)! I just saw these guys, no, these, like rock gauds (sic)! I saw InXtreme on TRL, they are sooooo (sic) rock (sic). And, Snake is sooooo (sic) dreamy!”