Nexterday News

San Francisco, CA (NDNS) – San Francisco Police Chief Stanley Marks announced today that late last night negotiators were finally able to communicate with the leaders of what the media have been calling the “Apeanese Liberation Army.” They were able to do this because the ape second in command, a chimp named Koko, had been used in a study to teach apes sign language.

SFPD Special Ape Translator Maggie James spoke to reporters after the initial negotiations, “The ALA have made several demands. 1. Bananas, lots of bananas; 2, a helicopter to the airport; 3, a plane with a destination to the Congo; and 4, the in-flight movie must be Dunston Checks In or they will kill all the hostages.”

Also released today are the names of the hostages. Six of them are just random people who most of you wouldn’t care if they lived or died; but, one of the hostages is a relative of the Murdoch media fortune, and that is Patty Murdoch, a 19-year old college student and granddaughter of the late media mogul Rupert Murdoch. Thankfully, she is said to be in very good condition, while the others no one cares much about.

Hollywood, CA (NDNS) — Television anti-crime activist and host of America’s Most Wanted, John Walsh, purchased MySpace yesterday for $500 Million Dollars. It totals as an $80 Million loss in value that NewsCorp purchased the company back in 2005.

NewsCorp Spokesperson Peter Dickman explained this to reporters, “It became inevitable that we would have to sell off the MySpace property as it mostly became a haven for pedophiles. The non-pedophile population of MySpace accounts for only about 15 percent of users, and of those users they tend to be under the age of 18 not knowing that it has become a breeding ground for pedophiles and are not totally aware of Facebook as they’re not in college yet. NewsCorp does not want to be associated with that many pedophiles.”

In a note of interest, Pedophile Island has become a ratings bonanza on NewsCorp owned Fox Networks. And, this past summer To Catch a Big Brother on CBS and NBC has increased ratings in the show’s third season.

Walsh isn’t the only person or organization involved in this venture, as he does not have half a billion to throw around. Other share holders include, but are not limited to; Chris Hansen, several anti-pedophile groups, and Pee-Wee Herman.

John Walsh said of the purchase, “Yes, I know that this is costing a lot, but it’s extremely valuable to law enforcement to have a one-stop-shop for tracking down and capturing pedophiles.”