Nexterday News

Minneapolis, MN (NDNS) — Last night Presidential Contenders, Sen. Will Jamison (D-MA) and Gov. George Mason (R-TX) squared off in a debate. Things got dirty early and rules where thrown out as both sides totally disregarded the moderator and the mud started to fly.

The harshest comments came from the Texas Governor, “So, you may have served in the Iraq War, but I actually supported it and had a “I Support The Troops” yellow ribbon magnet on the back of my Toyota!”

It was then Gov. Mason dropped the biggest bomb of the night, “So, you were there, but I’ve spoken with several soldiers who where over there at approximately the time, and only two provinces over serving in a different battalion, told me that you were a giant pussy when it came to combat. That you would stay behind as you let your troops go in first and get shot first. What kind of leadership is that? And, that you may have possibly murdered and raped civilians. I can tell you I’ve never murdered or raped civilians!”

“I can’t believe you would make allegations like that against me! I did no such thing!” Said Sen. Will Jamison. He then retorted, “Well, if you supported the war so much how come you didn’t enlist?”

“I was busy running the University chapter of College Republicans fighting against those who would say the cause was not right. I was a hero and a patriot, and you raped babies. It’s a simple choice people; an American hero like me, or a baby-raping pussy like my opponent.”

Joe Johnson, who served with Senator Jamison said of the Senator’s combat record, “I don’t know where the governor got his information, but Senator Jamison is one of the bravest men I know and saved my life and the lives of my squad mates on numerous occasions.”

Bill Blanson of “Stryker Vets for Truth” responded to Johnson, “Well, I heard you were a bigger pussy then Jamison! And, that buddy is a huuuuge (sic) pussy!”

Initial polling taken after the debate indicated that the Texan got a five-point bump in the polls. And, puts his numbers at 51% support while Senator Jamison’s numbers are at an anemic 49%. Bob Smith of some small town you’ve never heard of said, “I don’t know if I’m comfortable with having someone who is a giant baby-raping pussy leading our country.

A 98-Year Old Ralph Nader, who is running for the New Green Party, said, “They’re all the same and unsafe at any speed! Potato! Tomato! Bingo!”He then shuffled off yelling more things that were nonsensical.

Both candidates are within the margin of error.

Austin, TX (NDNS) — Doctors today at the University of Texas-Austin declared that they have successfully cured President Bush of his chronic stupidity and Lyme Disease. The cure doctors say was as a direct result of federally funded stem-cell research.

President Bush used his first executive veto on funding of such research. “This is really an ironic situation for myself. As President, I was totally against stem-cell research. Arguing that it was the destruction of life. I know know that position was wrongheaded, and caused by my condition of chronic stupidity, which has now been cured.” Said the former Chief of State in a perfect New England accent.

Dr. Bill Montoya of the U of T medical center, “The New England accent isn’t really a shock to us. And, we don’t believe that a Texan accent is a sign of stupidity in others. But, he was born and raised for awhile in Connecticut where the prevalent accent is of a Northeastern origin.  And, his younger siblings also do not have a Texan accent.”

As for the cause of this “chronic stupidity” doctors surmise it from a result of too much drinking and too much “other chemicals” being introduced into his body as a young man.

The biggest shock for President Bush came as he realized that when he was President of the Texas Rangers he traded big-time slugger Sammy Sosa, “I did WHAT!”

Washington, DC (NDNS) — Twenty years ago today, America’s most popular social networking website amongst college students, Facebook, was launched by Mark Zuckerberg. And, since that time some of it’s first members are now members of the United States Congress. Due to the content that these Congresspersons posted back when they were in college, it has provided Facebook with unprecedented political clout, due to it’s vast amount of material they now use to blackmail Members of Congress. Anyone who wants to get anything done in DC these days goes to Mark Zuckerberg first.

“It’s really quite amazing the type of power I now have. Back when our leaders were young people they didn’t care what pictures of themselves that they posted on our website. And, we were smart enough to keep everything. Pictures of your nations leaders with bongs and thongs. They really don’t want those to get out. You want something done, you don’t write to your congressman, you write to me.” Said Mr. Zuckerberg.

When asked which members of government he had information on, he wouldn’t elaborate; but did state that he has nothing on the President as she was in college before Facebook and never had a Facebook page of her own.

One member of Congress, Eugene Markiss of the Oregon first, tried to stand up against the Facebook juggernaut, but had to leave congress in disgrace after pictures involving him being extremely intoxicated with a goat appeared in the New York Times. “Zuckerberg ruined me. I’ll never forgive him for that. I had grand ambitions; plans to make this country, better, stronger. But, that’s all done now. My only advice to the college students of today is to not post anything on Facebook.”

MySpace, the other social networking site, has not gained nearly as much political powers as Facebook. MySpace’s Tom explains, “Well, Facebook was really geared to college students. While MySpace was like Facebook for people who didn’t go to college and pedophiles.”

Gainesville, FL (NDNS) — Last night Senator and former Democratic Presidential Candidate Patrick Kennedy spoke at the University of Florida. Which in itself isn’t actually news, but what was news was a Political Science student, 21-year old Mark Abernathy, of Houghton, Michigan went on and on asking questions of the Senator. Such as, “Why didn’t you contest the election?” and “Where you a member of the Providence College chapter of Bones and Skulls?” At that point campus security tried to escort him out of the building, he then started yelling all sorts of questions at the Senator that no one could understand and kind of thought of as “liberal gibberish.”

He was warned several times that he would be shot in the head if he did not calm down and refused to calm down. So campus police followed through with their threat, and shot him seven times in the head. This lead to a chrous of cheers from the students in attendance. Dirk Davidson of the Lambda Chi Sigma Fraternity, “That dude deserved to get shot. I was like there to learn about Democracy from a Presidential Loser. Man, I wish I pulled the trigger myself.”

Other students were not as excited to see young Mark Abernathy’s life ended, such as Mark Davis of the campus group, Peaceful Actions, “There was absolutely no justification at all for those pigs to shoot him in front of us! Couldn’t they act like decent human beings and take him out back to shoot him? I never want to see that ever again.”

It seems as if everyone has missed the point.

Austin, TX (NDNS) — Officials at the newly opened George W. Bush Presidential Library have announced the completion of a series of books written by former President George W. Bush.  Library spokesperson Ari Fleischer said of the books, “They’re part autobiographical, part philosophical,  and part how-to.  I’d recommend them to anyone interested in Presidential history, political doctrine, or how-to make war popular.”

Nexterday News was able to obtain a copy of the first book, “How to Successfully Run for President,” which is slated to be released next Tuesday.  The 527-Page tome outlines several successful strategies on which he based his election and re-election campaigns.  It was extremely insightful as to how his mind works.  Chapters Include; Chapter One:  Hire Karl Rove, Chapter 5:  Call Your Opponent a Pussy Without Actually Calling Him a Pussy, Chapter 10:  How to Use a Major Religion to Your Advantage, Chapter 41:  Have Your Daddy Do it First, and Chapter 43:  Act dumb; Americans Love a Dumbass.

The book is surprisingly frank in nature but as President Bush stated in the book’s epilogue/coloring section, “Screw it!  It’s not like I need to win another election, and history books are for pussies anyway.”

His other books to be released over the course of the next few years also have the “How To…” theme; they include:

…Graduate Harvard and Yale (Not Necessarily in That Order)

…Be President

…Successfully Manage a Major League Baseball Team