Nexterday News

Washington, DC (NDNS) - Exactly one day before deer hunting season was set to begin in the North American Union, a monumental contract between deer and man has been signed that effectively ends deer hunting forever.

The contract was first introduced one year ago after Charles Wyrick of Marquette County, Michigan, claimed to have spotted a deer waving a white flag from behind a hill.

“I’ll be damned if he didn’t speak to me in plain English,” Wyrick said last year. “The thing said the war was over, that they surrender.”

Many claimed Wyrick was fabricating the whole thing until a herd of deer showed up on the steps of Capitol Hill, demanding an “end to the madness.”

Koax’al Hui’fnord introduced himself as the spokesman for all of deer-kind, and immediately called for a truce between human and deer.

“For too long our peoples have been at war,” he said. “It seems clear that the humans will not falter in their desire to encroach our land and so the only hope for survival of my people is complete and utter surrender. Therefore, I hereby order all of deer-kind to cease in our suicide collision methods of attack and expect the humans will follow suit and cease their annual firearm attacks.”

Many were shocked and dismayed at the apparent higher-level of thought now clearly attributable to deer.

“I’ve spent my entire career studying wildlife,” scientist Barnes Rupert Noble said in an interview last year, after the revelation. “This throws everything I’ve ever known into complete disarray.”

Most humans are simply too stunned to be upset by the news, however many hunting enthusiasts are expected to completely ignore the contract.

Many theorists, including Dr. Noble, are speculating that an alien race somehow imprinted their consciousness into Earth’s deer in what is the beginning of a full-fledged invasion. Studies have been inconclusive.

“That’s preposterous,” Deer spokesman Hiu’fnord said when confronted with the idea. “Third Ratatak’lan of the Sixth Heir to the Rings of Helios will gladly testify against that notion. We are not, nor have we ever been, beings seeking refuge from another dimension.”

Beijing, China (NDNS) — The Chinese Ministry of Science announced that four days after the successful launch of a Long March 6 rocket, they have finally landed Chinamen on the moon. The Chinamen Astronauts (or, as they preferred to be called, “Taikonauts”) are apparently annoyed at American media for repeatedly calling them “Chinamen.”

“This is very displeasing to us. We are men, who happen to be Chinese. We find the term degrading. You’re just upset that we’re the first men on the moon in the twenty-first century. And, that you can’t even get your rockets off the ground.” Said Taikonaut Xi Xichang, commander of the Communist Moon Mission.

NASA spokesperson Randy Elliot released this statement on behalf of NASA, “Whoop-de-(expletive deleted)! We did that in the sixties, the nine-teen sixties with vacuum tube powered computers and a rocket that we were fairly certain would explode. We’ve been there, done that. We’re focused on going back to the International Space Station for now. Now, that’s an achievement! And, if you want to help us with that achievement donations can be sent in via our website, www.NASA.gov, anything would really be appreciated. Last weeks bake sale did not go as well as could be expected. Stan’s Mom forgot to bake the lemon wedges.”

Mr. Elliot was obviously referencing that since the retirement of the Space Shuttles in 2012 and the utter failure that was Project Orion, Americans have not been able to launch a manned space flight in ten years. During the Bush Administration, NASA set a goal for reaching back to the Moon two years ago, but as of now seem two decades away from that goal.

Eugene, OR (NDNS) — When one looks at picturesque Eugene, Oregon, one sees trees, homes, and the ubiquitous wind-turbine towers that provide the majority of energy to homes in the United States.  Except for one.  Randell Tuskberger has replaced his wind-turbine generator with a massive gasoline generator that was made in the early-21st century.  “When I was a kid, we had most of our energy provided by fossil fuels, and we had an unending supply.  But, the hippies took over and made us all switchover to “renewable” sources of energy.  Gasoline is renewable too!  You just had to go to, what we called back then, a “gas station,” and almost like magic we had more gas!”

Mr. Tuskberger’s neighbors are not as amused by this contraption.  Such as Sally Walters, “It’s loud, it’s noisy, it scares my children, and is an eyesore.”

Scientists we spoke to were also very skeptical of Mr. Tuskerberger’s claims; say Dr. Ralph Durst, “That man is retarded.”  He then added, “No, I’m serious, I’m convinced he’s retarded.  Gasoline isn’t a renewable resource.  Thousands of lives were lost as a result of trying to secure oil fields in the Middle East.   Thousands, if not millions more died or became sick as a result of the pollutants released into the air.  Now, one man running a gasoline generator, isn’t a big deal; but, what if others like the idea?  He would know this was a bad idea if only he’d wear his Apple iGlasses.  Oh, and Apple pays me a lot of money to end my conversations with references to their products.”

So far, others all think the idea is pretty stupid.

Washington, DC (NDNS) — Senator Frank Jimmerson (R-MN) was arrested at Boise International Airport yesterday when he tried to solicit sex from a Janitorbot in one of the airports bathroom facilities. Jimmerson has been well know in the last few years for fighting against so called, “Robosexuals,” individuals that like to participate in sexual escapades with robots.Spokesperson for the RNC, Bill Sanchez told Nexterday, “This is simply outragous! Never would I have ever thought that Frank was a “Robo” but I assume that he’ll resign in disgrace from the Senate. There is no room for Robosexuals in the Republican party!”

Dave Miller of the Morally Upstanding Americans for Goodness and Righteousness stated, “Senator Jimmerson had long been a financial supporter of our group; especially, when it came to issues of “Robosexuality.” So, we’ve decided to give all the money this pervert donated to a Robo-Reparative Therapy camp, Organic Acres. Where troubled young men and women can go and realize that God wanted them to love humans and not robots.”

Nexterday was able to obtain an exclusive interview with the Janitorbot, THX-1138, “I was not programmed for such activities. I also am not compatible with his “hardware.” The activity did not compute so I immediately alerted the airport’s Robo-Comand.”

And, in a related story; the American Medical Association recently declared tetanus a sexually transmitted disease.

Cupertino, CA — Today’s events at Apple inc. headquarters celebrating the eightieth birthday of founder Steve Jobs featured a reflection on his contribution to modern life, and the announcement of a new product to the ever expanding iPod family. The new iGlasses are glasses with a special screen on them that shifts between clear lenses, customizable levels of tinting, and a screen to show video from the internal 4TB hard drive. It is completely voice controlled with the exception of a single button near the right temple. Apple anticipates shipping the iGlasses in the fourth quarter of this year. Pricing details are currently unavaileble, though it is anticipated that like most apple products, it will drop in price after 3 months.

This is the first new addition to the iPod family since Suri Cruise replaced Jonathen Ive as head of design at Apple inc.

Click on the picture to get a larger view. More details will be made available as they are released.