Nexterday News

Los Angeles, CA (NDNS) — A court has ordered actress and pop singer Vanessa Hudgens to give up custody of her two children, to their biological father, Frank Zuckerman, better known in the media as, “F-zUCK.”

As of Wednesday at noon, joint custody will end between the two parents, and 100% custody will go Zuckerman; a 23 year old current backup dancer for KISS who once lit himself on fire at a water park, bought a Toyota Prius and modified it with a Chevy “Big Block” engine, and cries at the end of The Fast and the Furious. That guy has been deemed to be a better parent then Ms. Hudgens.

It isn’t certain why the court ordered Hudgens to give up custody of her children but it may have had something to do with a series of incidents involving alcohol, drugs, nudity, and letting one of her toddlers drive her home because she was too drunk. Oddly enough, LAPD officers who spotted the toddler driving commented that he was in fact one of the best drivers they have seen in the city in a very long time.

Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton said of this, “This is very reminiscent of Britney Spears a few years ago, before she gained 200 pounds. We can only hope that Ms. Hudgens can cope with this a lot better then Britney did. She’s currently responsible for half of my visitors; when Spears got bigger then the Good Year blimp my site stats went way down; that is until Hudgens went nuts.”

New York, NY (NDNS) — The Magazine Better Sons and Daughters has named late-90’s pop sensation Britney Spears as Parent of the Year of 2017. It marks a remarkable turn around in her life. It was just ten years ago next month that she lost custody of her children, Sean Preston and Jayden James, to her now late ex-husband Kevin Federline (died in a tragic celeb-reality show dance off contest on VH-1 four years ago in which he somehow caught fire, someone in his entourage then threw gasoline on him mistakenly thinking that gasoline puts fire out, and fell into an illegal celebrity dog fighting ring where he was torn apart by two different Lassies and a decedent of that dog who played Bingo). But, now with new husband, pro-golfer, Sergio Garcia, have raised a baby boy, Horatio Spears-Garcia into an award winning three-year old child.

Mrs. Spears-Garcia commented to Nexterday News in a phone interview about the award, “I’m like so excited about this, y’all. And like, really I think I never could’ve been this successful as a parent if it had not been for marrying that dumbass backup dancer. Like, my dumb and his dumb combined and it was like that cartoon, Captain Planet; only instead of getting a dude who cleaned up the environment when our powers combined. When our powers combined we created two creatures that would end up wrecking everyone’s life and destroy the environment.”

It was just two years ago that her first two children took over an oil tanker in Los Angeles harbor, killed the crew, then crashed it into a nearby nature preserve and then lit it on fire; which created one of the largest environmental disasters in all of human history. They are currently being held in a juvenile detention center until they reach 21 years of age, and then will transfered into a Federal Super-Max Prison in Colorado to serve 12 consecutive life sentences.

“With Sergio, it’s like totally different, y’all. Our super baby has taken from like both of us, Horatio is like super awesome at the piano. And, not like a baby piano but like one of them big ass grand ones that like Beethoven played his stuff on. And, just like his Daddy, he already can hit the ball like 300 yards! It’s like for every year of age he can hit that thing a hundred more yards. When he’s like 18, he’ll hit that thing like 1800 yards or somethin! That’d be like some sort of record y’all!” Said the award winning mother.

As to why she was given the award, Betty Childress, of Better Sons and Daughters, stated, “Well, it’s more like a most improved parent of the year. We don’t have that award, so she got the one for being the best. And, she paid us A LOT money. A LOT of money.”

Beverly Hills, CA (NDNS) – Human rights groups from around the world are currently outraged at Luigi Marconi of Encino, CA yesterday for opening America’s first (at least since the late-1850’s) “Luigi’s Imported Used Baby Emporium.” Luigi an Italian immigrant and former owner of “Luigi’s Imported Used Car Emporium” got the idea from seeing celebrities fawn over adopting children from overseas.

“You see, before I opened my store only A-List celebrities could afford to travel overseas and get a foreign made baby; but, now even B-List celebrities, the moderately wealthy, and Kathy Griffin can afford a used foreign baby. What we do is go overseas to find the best of the crop of foreign used babies, bring them over here, and sell them wholesale! You want a baby from Burma? Done! You want a child from Cambodia? Done! You want a kid from Kenya? Done!”

Human Rights advocate Monica Speers stated on behalf of Children Are Not Slaves, “This is a terrible outrage what that bastard Luigi Marconi is doing! Children are not to be bought and sold on the open market like imported iguanas! I swear, and I know it’s a very serious felony, but if I ever meet this bastard I’ll stab the mother f**ker!”

When asked about the moral implications of selling babies Mr. Marconi responded, “I am a free-market capitalist. It is in my best interests to put these babies in the best homes possible, at acceptable market rates. It costs a lot for me to send teams to countries all over the world and kidnap, I mean, deal with local governments to remove children who are being mistreated in run down orphanages; beaten by nuns, molested by priests, all very sad. And, it’s that CANS organization they are the real baby killers. And, abortionist, they kill a lot of babies too you know. Also, foreign babies are better for the environment then American made babies. The foreign ones eat so much less.”

Brad and Louise Davis of Orange County, CA were among the first customers, “Oh, we just love little Diem (their Vietnamese born used child), he’s so much better then our previous child. They gave us a great deal to trade in Ben Jr. Ben Jr. just ate so much food it was a drain on our budgets and bad for the environment. Diem is happy with just a bowl of rice a day. Thanks Luigi!”

Celebrities like Angelina Jolie are delighted at the new service, “Finally, I don’t actually have to go to those smelly foreign places anymore, and I can finally stop sucking up to the f**king U.N. I swear all Ban Ki-Moon does when I’m around is stare at my juggs.”

And, without Ban Ki-Moon staring at Angelina’s juggs, maybe we’re that much closer to world peace.