Nexterday News

Crawford, TX (NDNS) — BUSH DECLARES WAR!  On, high mattress prices that is!  The former President of the United States is using this President’s Day to open his very own mattress store in Crawford called, “Bush’s Bed Emporium.”

“I have declared war on terror, Afghanistan, Iraq, and now high mattress prices.  The Crawford people deserve better and I promise as President of Bush’s Bed Emporium I will fight the evil doers down at Lynch’s Furniture.  They’re hiding Prices of Mass Wallet Destruction, and we will fight them starting this President’s Day!”

Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf spokesperson for Lynch’s Furniture and former Information Minister of Iraq held a press conference denying all of the President’s charges.  “These are all lies!  Lynch’s Furniture possesses no such “Prices of Mass Wallet Destruction.”  These are bigger lies then when he invaded my former country!  And, those, my main man, are big lies.  Did a tank just drive behind me?”

There is no telling how long this price war will go on for.  We spoke with a Mattress Economics Professor from Harvard, Dr. Seely Simmons about this.  “The sheer power of Bush’s Bed Emporium will overwhelm Lynch’s Furniture.  But, Lynch’s Furniture is nothing compared to the power of IKEA.  IKEA will discreetly come into the market due to the power vacuum created by the departure of the Lynch Furniture hierarchy.  They will do it though the internet, catalogs, and an insurgent campaign so simple that the Bush Bed Emporium will be clueless to deal with.”

Bush is already planning a celebration in May aboard his pontoon boat, The Lincoln, he will be reusing the “Mission Accomplished” banner from nine years ago when he declared the War in Iraq over.

Washington, DC (NDNS) - Exactly one day before deer hunting season was set to begin in the North American Union, a monumental contract between deer and man has been signed that effectively ends deer hunting forever.

The contract was first introduced one year ago after Charles Wyrick of Marquette County, Michigan, claimed to have spotted a deer waving a white flag from behind a hill.

“I’ll be damned if he didn’t speak to me in plain English,” Wyrick said last year. “The thing said the war was over, that they surrender.”

Many claimed Wyrick was fabricating the whole thing until a herd of deer showed up on the steps of Capitol Hill, demanding an “end to the madness.”

Koax’al Hui’fnord introduced himself as the spokesman for all of deer-kind, and immediately called for a truce between human and deer.

“For too long our peoples have been at war,” he said. “It seems clear that the humans will not falter in their desire to encroach our land and so the only hope for survival of my people is complete and utter surrender. Therefore, I hereby order all of deer-kind to cease in our suicide collision methods of attack and expect the humans will follow suit and cease their annual firearm attacks.”

Many were shocked and dismayed at the apparent higher-level of thought now clearly attributable to deer.

“I’ve spent my entire career studying wildlife,” scientist Barnes Rupert Noble said in an interview last year, after the revelation. “This throws everything I’ve ever known into complete disarray.”

Most humans are simply too stunned to be upset by the news, however many hunting enthusiasts are expected to completely ignore the contract.

Many theorists, including Dr. Noble, are speculating that an alien race somehow imprinted their consciousness into Earth’s deer in what is the beginning of a full-fledged invasion. Studies have been inconclusive.

“That’s preposterous,” Deer spokesman Hiu’fnord said when confronted with the idea. “Third Ratatak’lan of the Sixth Heir to the Rings of Helios will gladly testify against that notion. We are not, nor have we ever been, beings seeking refuge from another dimension.”