Twilight: Secrets of the Waxing Gibbous Widely Panned by Critics.

Coming as no surprise, the 675 million dollar blockbuster came in a paltry 4th place in the weekend movie wrap up. The film lacked real momentum going into the long summer weekend, and critics’ sharp criticism of the film surely didn’t help.   Indeed, as the 16th sequel to the franchise, perhaps fans were becoming tired of the Vampire saga, in which all onscreen characters have died and been resurrected at least four times.

“I just can’t get behind a film that starts where the last one left off- with all the lead characters killed by a rogue tidal wave. Resurrected Vampires surfing under the moon just seems tired these days”

says a former fan, who said his $62.50 movie ticket would have been better spent on Sony’s new Holodeck 360, a 3D projector that simulates your face projected onto Hollywood celebrities.

The film’s director, Jaden Smith, son of the late actor Will Smith, responded to critics with a curt, defensive sentence: “This film surpasses all assumptions of what the Twilight series was capable of, and is by far my best work ever.”

Though it’s not always a good idea to call out our advertizers, we feel that this is necessary because we maintain that we are the very best source of your future news anywhere on the internet. This is a message about integrity; which we have buttloads of.

“I have declared war on terror, Afghanistan, Iraq, and now high mattress prices.  The Crawford people deserve better and I promise as President of Bush’s Bed Emporium I will fight the evil doers down at Lynch’s Furniture.  They’re hiding Prices of Mass Wallet Destruction, and we will fight them starting this President’s Day!”

Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf spokesperson for Lynch’s Furniture and former Information Minister of Iraq held a press conference denying all of the President’s charges.  “These are all lies!  Lynch’s Furniture possesses no such “Prices of Mass Wallet Destruction.”  These are bigger lies then when he invaded my former country!  And, those, my main man, are big lies.  Did a tank just drive behind me?”

There is no telling how long this price war will go on for.  We spoke with a Mattress Economics Professor from Harvard, Dr. Seely Simmons about this.  “The sheer power of Bush’s Bed Emporium will overwhelm Lynch’s Furniture.  But, Lynch’s Furniture is nothing compared to the power of IKEA.  IKEA will discreetly come into the market due to the power vacuum created by the departure of the Lynch Furniture hierarchy.  They will do it though the internet, catalogs, and an insurgent campaign so simple that the Bush Bed Emporium will be clueless to deal with.”

Bush is already planning a celebration in May aboard his pontoon boat, The Lincoln, he will be reusing the “Mission Accomplished” banner from nine years ago when he declared the War in Iraq over.

“Have you seen his wife? WOWZERS!” said President Clinton of Michelle Obama “If my wife was that hot I never would have slept with a fat intern.”

“We’re Pulling a Train” said Sen. Obama metaphorically, “All the way to Denver and then on to the White House and I’ll take all the help I can get. I have always respected and admired President Clinton and am very Grateful for his support.”  The Clinton Campaign was unavailable for comment prior to news time.

The contract was first introduced one year ago after Charles Wyrick of Marquette County, Michigan, claimed to have spotted a deer waving a white flag from behind a hill.

“I’ll be damned if he didn’t speak to me in plain English,” Wyrick said last year. “The thing said the war was over, that they surrender.”

Many claimed Wyrick was fabricating the whole thing until a herd of deer showed up on the steps of Capitol Hill, demanding an “end to the madness.”

Koax’al Hui’fnord introduced himself as the spokesman for all of deer-kind, and immediately called for a truce between human and deer.

“For too long our peoples have been at war,” he said. “It seems clear that the humans will not falter in their desire to encroach our land and so the only hope for survival of my people is complete and utter surrender. Therefore, I hereby order all of deer-kind to cease in our suicide collision methods of attack and expect the humans will follow suit and cease their annual firearm attacks.”

Many were shocked and dismayed at the apparent higher-level of thought now clearly attributable to deer.

“I’ve spent my entire career studying wildlife,” scientist Barnes Rupert Noble said in an interview last year, after the revelation. “This throws everything I’ve ever known into complete disarray.”

Most humans are simply too stunned to be upset by the news, however many hunting enthusiasts are expected to completely ignore the contract.

Many theorists, including Dr. Noble, are speculating that an alien race somehow imprinted their consciousness into Earth’s deer in what is the beginning of a full-fledged invasion. Studies have been inconclusive.

“That’s preposterous,” Deer spokesman Hiu’fnord said when confronted with the idea. “Third Ratatak’lan of the Sixth Heir to the Rings of Helios will gladly testify against that notion. We are not, nor have we ever been, beings seeking refuge from another dimension.”

Until now.

This morning, Bill Frederik of Doofati Entertainment spilled the beans on what is being called The Seinfeld Chronicles. It will be a remake of the early 1990s beloved sitcom Seinfeld.

“What better way to celebrate the end of the strike than by recreating a television hallmark?” Doofati said at a press conference. “After the strike we immediately went into negotiations with the Seinfeld estate and secured the rights. Everybody attached to this project is very excited.”

The Seinfeld Chronicles, Frederik promises, will be darker and grittier than it’s original counterpart, though still staying true to it’s roots as a comedy.

“Try not to think of it as a remake,” Frederik said. “It’s more of a re-imagining. We’ve assembled a stellar team of writers each with their own unique vision to give the show a sense of edgy consistency.”

Perhaps the most controversial move comes from the casting department, who, Frederik said, chose to recast Kramer as female.

“Kramer was a beloved icon of the 90s, and we didn’t want to touch the Kramer character,” he said. “However, viewers should now expect to laugh and cry at at antics of Carla Kramer. We expect it will add a bit of ambiguity to Jerry and George’s relationship with the character.”

While three of the four cast members from the original are still alive and well, none have been contacted about possible cameos or guest spots. Frederik said he hopes to soon approach Jerry Seinfeld with the possibility of him taking up the role of Jerry’s father on the show, Morty, but nothing is official.

Many television analysts are surprised and disappointed by the announcement, wishing that Doofati Entertainment had instead developed something original to celebrate the end of the strike and a return to creativity.

SFPD Special Ape Translator Maggie James spoke to reporters after the initial negotiations, “The ALA have made several demands. 1. Bananas, lots of bananas; 2, a helicopter to the airport; 3, a plane with a destination to the Congo; and 4, the in-flight movie must be Dunston Checks In or they will kill all the hostages.”

Also released today are the names of the hostages. Six of them are just random people who most of you wouldn’t care if they lived or died; but, one of the hostages is a relative of the Murdoch media fortune, and that is Patty Murdoch, a 19-year old college student and granddaughter of the late media mogul Rupert Murdoch. Thankfully, she is said to be in very good condition, while the others no one cares much about.

Melanie Yo, the spokeswoman for Toyota’s POTUS project from the beginning, said “the American public now can program a US president just the way they want rather than having to worry about what human politicians are saying just to get elected and inevitably implement some alternate agenda. The American public has grown tired of lies.”

“When I step down on January 20th of next year,” current President Mahmoud Al-Bahadai said, “I fully expect it will be the last time a human steps down as President of the United States of America. There is just no longer a need for a human president. This artificial intelligence is stronger, smarter, and able to work 24-hours a day, 7-days a week. This is indeed the beginning of a new era, and I know absolutely nothing is wrong with this idea.”

Voters turned out in record numbers yesterday to decide what parameters will be given to POTUS-AI-1 come January 20th of next year when it will be inaugurated and begin it’s non-stop eight year power-on cycle as US President.

“Not surprisingly,” Yo said in a press conference early this morning discussing the results, “the majority of Americans favor a positive Japanese relationship. They want to cancel all trading agreements with other countries and deal strictly with the Japanese market. They also want to protect Japan with their own military, and invest all of their tax dollars in all of Japan’s economic ventures. Later down the road, the US may even adopt Japan as it’s 51st state, later renaming the country the United State of Japan. But that’s all up to POTUS-AI-1 and Congress at this point.”

The results surprised many Americans, including Wilbur Morgan of Dallas, Texas.

“I don’t know how I feel about them pro-Japanese results,” Morgan said. “Nobody I know voted that way. But what choice do I got? I mean, they’re building the president for us so I guess we should trust ‘em.”

Chief Marks also had to stave off a series of questions in regards to the now released 9-1-1 transcripts that details a lack of urgency by the staff operator and a Mr. Stephen Tyrone of the SF Zoo.

9-1-1 Operator:  9-1-1 Emergency.  What is your emergency?

Stephen Tyrone (SF Zoo Employee):  The apes are attacking!  Here at the zoo!  They’ve got guns and are shooting and taking hostages!

9-1-1 Operator:  Now sir, this is not funny.  9-1-1 is for very serious emergencies only, and it is against to law to make false reports.

Stephen Tyrone:  Holy crap!  I think that one ape just did a roundhouse kick!  Listen!  If this were a prank I’d come up with something more original!  There are these that apes stole guns from some NRA a—holes that came bearing arms.

9-1-1 Operator:  So, they showed up with bear arms. I thought you said the monkeys had guns.  So far I’m not convinced.

Stephen Tyrone:  No!  Arms, like in guns!  And, they’re chimps! Gorillas!  And orangutans!  They’re not monkeys!  They’re members of the great ape family!

***Audible gunshots***

Stephen Tyrone:  Oh God!  I’ve been shot!  Do you believe me now!

9-1-1 Operator:  It just sounds like you’ve got on the TV too loud in the background.  Now, will you please hang up so that I can deal with real emergencies!

Stephen Tyrone:  You f—king bitch!  Oh, my God!  They’ve heard me!  They’re coming for me!  Please send help now!  Tell my wife and kids that I love them!

***Audible gunshots followed by apes grunting and then ripping the cord off the line, and a busy signal***

9-1-1 Operator:  Oh my.

Only after the last part of the exchange did the operator send police.  Stephen Tyrone was thirty-eight years old, leaving behind a wife and three children ages nine, six, and three.

The question now is; how in the hell did these apes learn how to use firearms. San Francisco Zoo Ape Scientist Norm Brinkley explained to Nexterday how this might have happened, “Well, it’s two words; Chuck Norris. One, of our night guards set up a TV everynight next to the ape enclosure and watches Chuck Norris movies; Missing in Action, The Delta Force, Missing in Action II: The Beginning, Sidekicks, and Braddock: Missing in Action III. We believe that’s how they learned to use the firearms. You know the old saying, “Monkey see, monkey do.” But, one night he brought in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes; and, that’s when they learned about armed ape revolution.”

An ageless Chuck Norris went on comment with us only saying, “This cannot possibly my fault, they just saw me fighting for freedom. It’s that damn ape movie that made them do what they did.” And, then we believe he destroyed the phone with a swift roundhouse kick.

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