Nexterday News

San Francisco, CA (NDNS) – San Francisco Police Chief Stanley Marks announced today that late last night negotiators were finally able to communicate with the leaders of what the media have been calling the “Apeanese Liberation Army.” They were able to do this because the ape second in command, a chimp named Koko, had been used in a study to teach apes sign language.

SFPD Special Ape Translator Maggie James spoke to reporters after the initial negotiations, “The ALA have made several demands. 1. Bananas, lots of bananas; 2, a helicopter to the airport; 3, a plane with a destination to the Congo; and 4, the in-flight movie must be Dunston Checks In or they will kill all the hostages.”

Also released today are the names of the hostages. Six of them are just random people who most of you wouldn’t care if they lived or died; but, one of the hostages is a relative of the Murdoch media fortune, and that is Patty Murdoch, a 19-year old college student and granddaughter of the late media mogul Rupert Murdoch. Thankfully, she is said to be in very good condition, while the others no one cares much about.

Washington, D.C. (NDNS) - When the Toyota Corporation introduced POTUS-AI-1 three years ago, many pundits predicted a backlash against the Japanese company and expected Americans to be insulted at the insinuation that they can’t elect a good leader. Surprisingly, however, the public latched on to the idea of a programmable president, and early last year Congress easily passed a resolution that made the general elections strictly about POTUS-AI-1’s new programming, not candidates.

Melanie Yo, the spokeswoman for Toyota’s POTUS project from the beginning, said “the American public now can program a US president just the way they want rather than having to worry about what human politicians are saying just to get elected and inevitably implement some alternate agenda. The American public has grown tired of lies.”

“When I step down on January 20th of next year,” current President Mahmoud Al-Bahadai said, “I fully expect it will be the last time a human steps down as President of the United States of America. There is just no longer a need for a human president. This artificial intelligence is stronger, smarter, and able to work 24-hours a day, 7-days a week. This is indeed the beginning of a new era, and I know absolutely nothing is wrong with this idea.”

Voters turned out in record numbers yesterday to decide what parameters will be given to POTUS-AI-1 come January 20th of next year when it will be inaugurated and begin it’s non-stop eight year power-on cycle as US President.

“Not surprisingly,” Yo said in a press conference early this morning discussing the results, “the majority of Americans favor a positive Japanese relationship. They want to cancel all trading agreements with other countries and deal strictly with the Japanese market. They also want to protect Japan with their own military, and invest all of their tax dollars in all of Japan’s economic ventures. Later down the road, the US may even adopt Japan as it’s 51st state, later renaming the country the United State of Japan. But that’s all up to POTUS-AI-1 and Congress at this point.”

The results surprised many Americans, including Wilbur Morgan of Dallas, Texas.

“I don’t know how I feel about them pro-Japanese results,” Morgan said. “Nobody I know voted that way. But what choice do I got? I mean, they’re building the president for us so I guess we should trust ‘em.”

San Francisco, CA (NDNS) — Today marks day two of the “Armed Ape Revolution” at the San Francisco Zoo.  Police say the Ape Army has so far made no demands.  SFPD Police Chief Stanley Marks said during a press conference, “We believe they’ve made no demands, because they lack verbal communication skills.”

Chief Marks also had to stave off a series of questions in regards to the now released 9-1-1 transcripts that details a lack of urgency by the staff operator and a Mr. Stephen Tyrone of the SF Zoo.

9-1-1 Operator:  9-1-1 Emergency.  What is your emergency?

Stephen Tyrone (SF Zoo Employee):  The apes are attacking!  Here at the zoo!  They’ve got guns and are shooting and taking hostages!

9-1-1 Operator:  Now sir, this is not funny.  9-1-1 is for very serious emergencies only, and it is against to law to make false reports.

Stephen Tyrone:  Holy crap!  I think that one ape just did a roundhouse kick!  Listen!  If this were a prank I’d come up with something more original!  There are these that apes stole guns from some NRA a—holes that came bearing arms.

9-1-1 Operator:  So, they showed up with bear arms. I thought you said the monkeys had guns.  So far I’m not convinced.

Stephen Tyrone:  No!  Arms, like in guns!  And, they’re chimps! Gorillas!  And orangutans!  They’re not monkeys!  They’re members of the great ape family!

***Audible gunshots***

Stephen Tyrone:  Oh God!  I’ve been shot!  Do you believe me now!

9-1-1 Operator:  It just sounds like you’ve got on the TV too loud in the background.  Now, will you please hang up so that I can deal with real emergencies!

Stephen Tyrone:  You f—king bitch!  Oh, my God!  They’ve heard me!  They’re coming for me!  Please send help now!  Tell my wife and kids that I love them!

***Audible gunshots followed by apes grunting and then ripping the cord off the line, and a busy signal***

9-1-1 Operator:  Oh my.

Only after the last part of the exchange did the operator send police.  Stephen Tyrone was thirty-eight years old, leaving behind a wife and three children ages nine, six, and three.

San Francisco, CA (NDNS) – An Alzheimer’s afflicted Charleton Heston once said, “Guns don’t kill people, Apes with guns kill people!” And, we all laughed that off thinking it was the crazy ramblings of a senile old man, but it’s happening right now. Currently a group of five orangutans, seven gorillas, and two chimpanzees at the San Francisco Zoo, have killed five people and are holding another seven humans hostage with guns that they captured from a visiting contingent of the National Rifle Association. Bringing firearms to a Zoo is not an everyday thing but the stalwart NRA members had insisted on bringing the firearms with them to, “…protect themselves from all the homo-gays that might try to harm them and turn them into the gay.”

The question now is; how in the hell did these apes learn how to use firearms. San Francisco Zoo Ape Scientist Norm Brinkley explained to Nexterday how this might have happened, “Well, it’s two words; Chuck Norris. One, of our night guards set up a TV everynight next to the ape enclosure and watches Chuck Norris movies; Missing in Action, The Delta Force, Missing in Action II: The Beginning, Sidekicks, and Braddock: Missing in Action III. We believe that’s how they learned to use the firearms. You know the old saying, “Monkey see, monkey do.” But, one night he brought in Conquest of the Planet of the Apes; and, that’s when they learned about armed ape revolution.”

An ageless Chuck Norris went on comment with us only saying, “This cannot possibly my fault, they just saw me fighting for freedom. It’s that damn ape movie that made them do what they did.” And, then we believe he destroyed the phone with a swift roundhouse kick.

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Los Angeles, CA (NDNS) — A court has ordered actress and pop singer Vanessa Hudgens to give up custody of her two children, to their biological father, Frank Zuckerman, better known in the media as, “F-zUCK.”

As of Wednesday at noon, joint custody will end between the two parents, and 100% custody will go Zuckerman; a 23 year old current backup dancer for KISS who once lit himself on fire at a water park, bought a Toyota Prius and modified it with a Chevy “Big Block” engine, and cries at the end of The Fast and the Furious. That guy has been deemed to be a better parent then Ms. Hudgens.

It isn’t certain why the court ordered Hudgens to give up custody of her children but it may have had something to do with a series of incidents involving alcohol, drugs, nudity, and letting one of her toddlers drive her home because she was too drunk. Oddly enough, LAPD officers who spotted the toddler driving commented that he was in fact one of the best drivers they have seen in the city in a very long time.

Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton said of this, “This is very reminiscent of Britney Spears a few years ago, before she gained 200 pounds. We can only hope that Ms. Hudgens can cope with this a lot better then Britney did. She’s currently responsible for half of my visitors; when Spears got bigger then the Good Year blimp my site stats went way down; that is until Hudgens went nuts.”