Nexterday News

Los Angeles, CA (NDNS) — A court has ordered actress and pop singer Vanessa Hudgens to give up custody of her two children, to their biological father, Frank Zuckerman, better known in the media as, “F-zUCK.”

As of Wednesday at noon, joint custody will end between the two parents, and 100% custody will go Zuckerman; a 23 year old current backup dancer for KISS who once lit himself on fire at a water park, bought a Toyota Prius and modified it with a Chevy “Big Block” engine, and cries at the end of The Fast and the Furious. That guy has been deemed to be a better parent then Ms. Hudgens.

It isn’t certain why the court ordered Hudgens to give up custody of her children but it may have had something to do with a series of incidents involving alcohol, drugs, nudity, and letting one of her toddlers drive her home because she was too drunk. Oddly enough, LAPD officers who spotted the toddler driving commented that he was in fact one of the best drivers they have seen in the city in a very long time.

Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton said of this, “This is very reminiscent of Britney Spears a few years ago, before she gained 200 pounds. We can only hope that Ms. Hudgens can cope with this a lot better then Britney did. She’s currently responsible for half of my visitors; when Spears got bigger then the Good Year blimp my site stats went way down; that is until Hudgens went nuts.”

Los Angeles, CA (NDNS) – For the first time since 2009, a scripted television show has made the fall 2026 schedule. This news follows the deal made on Friday, where the Writers Guild of America finally resolved their strike with the Association of Motion Picture and Television Producers.

The Writers Guild went on strike against the Association of Producers in late 2007 when the producers refused to pay them for written television shows shown on the Internet. After seventeen years, both sides were glad to have finally made an agreement last week.

“It became a moot point,” an AMPTP spokeswoman said on Friday in regards to the strike. “We won. The Internet has been replaced, and we didn’t pay the writers a dime. Collectively, we only made thirty trillion dollars since streaming television was introduced. Yet without a sustainable business model, there just wasn’t enough to go around.”

So far, only one scripted pilot is on the books for this fall. The details about the show are being kept under wraps, but it’s believed it will be a lighter fare, perhaps even an old fashioned situation comedy, once referred to as a “sitcom.”

“We don’t want to do anything too edgy,” Bill Frederik of Doofati Entertainment, the company behind the pilot, said. “For seventeen years all we’ve had is reality programming. We want to gage what the public is ready for in terms of a scripted story.”

Many have taken Frederik’s statement to mean the American public has been dumbed down during the almost two decades the writers have been on strike. Reality television shows are often spontaneous and unscripted and therefore flourished when the networks needed programming to fill the time once used by written fare, and have often been looked down upon as mindless entertainment.

The untitled pilot will be available this fall among the usual suspects: American Idol XXIV, Survivor: The Moon, Iraq’s Next Top President, Extreme Makeover: Robot Edition, and Swirling Colors Accompanied by Strange Sounds.

Calcutta, India (NDNS) – After a week of searching, authorities are no closer to locating writer Aaron Sorkin.  “We have received many leads, but they have all turned out to be dead ends so far.  We’re not ready to give up hope yet though.” said Sanjay Patel, Calcutta chief of police.

Authorities believe Mr. Sorkin has left the city of Calcutta, however his passport has not been used, leading to the belief that he is still somewhere in India.

Bradley Whitford has continued to plead with the public that if they have information they should contact the Calcutta police department.  Nexterday continues to pray for the safe return of Mr. Sorkin.

Geneva, Switzerland (NDNS) –  In the first time since the Napoleonic Era, Switzerland has become engulfed by war, or at least in theory.  They’ve declared war against the island territory of the Cayman Islands.  Not much is expected to come to this because the Cayman’s don’t have a military and Switzerland is landlocked and thus does not have a Navy.

Swiss Foreign Minister Otto Bremmer said, “It’ll all be over by X-Mas.  We will not send them any products with the Swiss Army brand on it, such  as watches and knifes.  They are very popular around the holidays and they’ll be forced to surrender.”

The causes for the war are few, very few, one actually; illegal banking (LINK).  The Swiss used to be the number one tax shelter for companies, Nazis, and rogues from all nations, but have recently been over taken by the small British territory in the Caribbean.

Gary Burrell Jr. the son of the founder of Garmin, ltd (LINK), whose company is “headquartered” in George Town, Cayman Islands, told Nexterday, “The Cayman’s have always been a much better tax shelter then Switzerland would’ve been.  It’s so cold there, where I actually visit our one room headquarters that absolutely no business is actually done in, but it’s super warm there and the babes are hot.”

We tried to get a hold of the Cayman Island Foreign Secretary, but that position does not exist, and we’re told if they did, he’d be out on the beach drinking and unable to talk to us anyway.

New York, NY (NDNS) — The Magazine Better Sons and Daughters has named late-90’s pop sensation Britney Spears as Parent of the Year of 2017. It marks a remarkable turn around in her life. It was just ten years ago next month that she lost custody of her children, Sean Preston and Jayden James, to her now late ex-husband Kevin Federline (died in a tragic celeb-reality show dance off contest on VH-1 four years ago in which he somehow caught fire, someone in his entourage then threw gasoline on him mistakenly thinking that gasoline puts fire out, and fell into an illegal celebrity dog fighting ring where he was torn apart by two different Lassies and a decedent of that dog who played Bingo). But, now with new husband, pro-golfer, Sergio Garcia, have raised a baby boy, Horatio Spears-Garcia into an award winning three-year old child.

Mrs. Spears-Garcia commented to Nexterday News in a phone interview about the award, “I’m like so excited about this, y’all. And like, really I think I never could’ve been this successful as a parent if it had not been for marrying that dumbass backup dancer. Like, my dumb and his dumb combined and it was like that cartoon, Captain Planet; only instead of getting a dude who cleaned up the environment when our powers combined. When our powers combined we created two creatures that would end up wrecking everyone’s life and destroy the environment.”

It was just two years ago that her first two children took over an oil tanker in Los Angeles harbor, killed the crew, then crashed it into a nearby nature preserve and then lit it on fire; which created one of the largest environmental disasters in all of human history. They are currently being held in a juvenile detention center until they reach 21 years of age, and then will transfered into a Federal Super-Max Prison in Colorado to serve 12 consecutive life sentences.

“With Sergio, it’s like totally different, y’all. Our super baby has taken from like both of us, Horatio is like super awesome at the piano. And, not like a baby piano but like one of them big ass grand ones that like Beethoven played his stuff on. And, just like his Daddy, he already can hit the ball like 300 yards! It’s like for every year of age he can hit that thing a hundred more yards. When he’s like 18, he’ll hit that thing like 1800 yards or somethin! That’d be like some sort of record y’all!” Said the award winning mother.

As to why she was given the award, Betty Childress, of Better Sons and Daughters, stated, “Well, it’s more like a most improved parent of the year. We don’t have that award, so she got the one for being the best. And, she paid us A LOT money. A LOT of money.”