Nexterday News

Calcutta, India (NDNS) – Writer Aaron Sorkin, best known for writing fast talking witty tv shows and movies, has been reported missing to local Calcutta police by his on again- off again girlfriend, Kristen Chenoweth. Mr. Sorkin has been going through a well-published slump with Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, The Farnsworth Invention, and The Trial of the Chicago 7 all being wildly considered commercial failures.

Attempts to locate Mr. Sorkin using his cell phone have so far yielded no information of value. The Calcutta police had no clues but where optimistic that Mr. Sorkin would be found safe and secure soon. “There is no reason to worry. It’s not like he’s ever written anything but loquacious disquisition anyways. He most likely just fell down while trying to whistle and walk at the same time. It’s not as easy as it looks.” commented Sanjay Patel, chief of police for Calcutta.

Bradley Whitford and Thomas Schlamme are already planning a benefit concert for “Save Sorkin” a charity being set up to find the writer. We here at Nexterday News pray for his safe return.

Beijing, China (NDNS) –  Advocacy group, People Against the Inhuman Treatment of People in China (P.A.I.T.P.C) came out today blasting the latest decree by the Communist Chinese Government that stated that citizens who “spread rumors” or “endanger the public safety” when sending mind-text messages will be subject to arrest by the Chineses People’s Police Force (CPPF).  The expatriate group based out of Taiwan has stated that China’s crackdown against mind-texting is a serious affront to human rights, especially since the punishment involves confiscation of the frontal lobe, and the family of the offender is then charged for the cost of the full-frontal lobotomy.

P.A.I.T.P.C spokes person Xi Xenu said to Nexterday, “The government of the so called People’s Republic on the mainland is acting like they’re Joe Kennedy and their retarded daughter is the two billion people of China.  This is an outrage!”  Mr. Xenu making reference to the father of late US President John Kennedy, Joseph Kennedy, who had John’s older, retarded, sister receive a lobotomy.

China’s Minister of Foreign Public Relations Mitch Tucker (formerly the Governor of Hawaii, a former US State) stated, “When citizens create instability amongst other citizens against the people, we the government, the protectors of the great people, must step in to do something about it.  And, it is only fair to then charge the family of the offender the cost of the punishment, since because of their bad influences caused the offender to attack the people of China.  And, that offender must no longer be able to send mind-texts that rot the brains of others who would not like to get such a mind text.”

The citizens of the former US State of Hawaii have become rather outraged by this claiming that it is a violation of their First Amendment rights, which they actually no longer have since coming under Chinese rule three years ago.

Mind-texting is a cellular service that is very much like a text-message that you might receive on your cell phone, except it is sent and encoded directly into the brain so that when in noisy clubs or bars you can be sure to always receive your messages.  The technology has become very popular throughout China, and most of Asia, while so far not reaching much popularity in the United States and Europe because of the rather invasive surgery that it takes to install the mind-texting device; and because of the large instances of tumors that it creates inside the brain.  And, will probably never take hold in Africa because everyone there died of AIDS 2:  The Super AIDS 13 years ago.

Las Vegas, NV (NDNS) — Hundreds of jolly fat men ringing bells, wearing red clothing, and bellowing, “Ho! Ho! Ho!” have been arrested in Las Vegas this December on charges of impersonation of a pimp. Five years ago when Las Vegas re-legalized prostitution within city limits, laws were also passed that would make it a crime, punishable by 10 days imprisonment and a $1,000 fine, to “pass one’s self off as a pimp.” Unfortunately, for men who are very merry during the holiday season the Las Vegas Police Department has taken this very seriously; extending this enforcement to even those dressed as Santa on the holidays.

In most US cities, this is a boom time for the Salvation Army, as their bell ringers, sometimes dressed as Santa, solicit money from shoppers who feel guilty about buying their useless children Nintendo Wiiii’s and X-Box 1440’s, so they throw a few dollars the way of the Santa’s and the Salvation Army as a way to placate their palpable guilt. Spokesperson for the Salvation Army Don “Donner” Rudolf said, “In the past, Vegas, has been an amazing place to solicit donations. It’s Christmas time, and people there need to feel like they’ve done something good for others whilst they waste away their lives surrounded by sins; like gambling, drugs, prostitution, and other sorts of sinnery (sic). But, the last five years, it’s been like we’re the criminals in that town.”

Local residents have also been up in arms over this, in another sort of way, such as Tom Jordan, “Seriously, I’m glad the police are cracking down on those fake pimps! I mean, you give your money to a real pimp, and you get something out of it like a HJ, a BJ, or a ZJ. You give money to one of those bell ringing fake pimps, they’re all like “happy holidays” or some s*** like that! No HJ, no BJ, and not even a ZJ!”

Left alone have been Shopping Mall Santa’s, an unnamed Las Vegas Police officer, Hank Wibley, told Nexterday, “We assume they’re pedophiles and leave them alone according to the city’s, LPA Act or the “Leave the Pedophiles Alone” Act of 2014.

Beverly Hills, CA (NDNS) – Human rights groups from around the world are currently outraged at Luigi Marconi of Encino, CA yesterday for opening America’s first (at least since the late-1850’s) “Luigi’s Imported Used Baby Emporium.” Luigi an Italian immigrant and former owner of “Luigi’s Imported Used Car Emporium” got the idea from seeing celebrities fawn over adopting children from overseas.

“You see, before I opened my store only A-List celebrities could afford to travel overseas and get a foreign made baby; but, now even B-List celebrities, the moderately wealthy, and Kathy Griffin can afford a used foreign baby. What we do is go overseas to find the best of the crop of foreign used babies, bring them over here, and sell them wholesale! You want a baby from Burma? Done! You want a child from Cambodia? Done! You want a kid from Kenya? Done!”

Human Rights advocate Monica Speers stated on behalf of Children Are Not Slaves, “This is a terrible outrage what that bastard Luigi Marconi is doing! Children are not to be bought and sold on the open market like imported iguanas! I swear, and I know it’s a very serious felony, but if I ever meet this bastard I’ll stab the mother f**ker!”

When asked about the moral implications of selling babies Mr. Marconi responded, “I am a free-market capitalist. It is in my best interests to put these babies in the best homes possible, at acceptable market rates. It costs a lot for me to send teams to countries all over the world and kidnap, I mean, deal with local governments to remove children who are being mistreated in run down orphanages; beaten by nuns, molested by priests, all very sad. And, it’s that CANS organization they are the real baby killers. And, abortionist, they kill a lot of babies too you know. Also, foreign babies are better for the environment then American made babies. The foreign ones eat so much less.”

Brad and Louise Davis of Orange County, CA were among the first customers, “Oh, we just love little Diem (their Vietnamese born used child), he’s so much better then our previous child. They gave us a great deal to trade in Ben Jr. Ben Jr. just ate so much food it was a drain on our budgets and bad for the environment. Diem is happy with just a bowl of rice a day. Thanks Luigi!”

Celebrities like Angelina Jolie are delighted at the new service, “Finally, I don’t actually have to go to those smelly foreign places anymore, and I can finally stop sucking up to the f**king U.N. I swear all Ban Ki-Moon does when I’m around is stare at my juggs.”

And, without Ban Ki-Moon staring at Angelina’s juggs, maybe we’re that much closer to world peace.

Somewhere, TX (NDNS) – In response to a well organized, 2-year long boycott of the Jimmy Dean Sausage Co. by the State of Texas, this guy (click) has finally won. Apparently John Doe Texan recruited enough of his family, friends, and neighbors to finally stick it to the man at Jimmy Dean when Dean Co. re-introduced its 16-oz. sausage packages.

Regarding the boycott, spokesman Raymond Thurgood of Jimmy Dean Sausage Co. told NDNS yesterday, “Look, I have no idea what the big deal is but these people are nuts. Have your 16-oz. sausage and shut up. Honestly though why would you need THAT much sausage for one breakfast if you already have two dozen eggs and a “Got-damn T-Bone steak”. With 4.8 eggs per person, 2.4 oz. of beef, and 2.4 oz. of sausage do you really NEED that extra 4 oz.? Would you like angioplasty with that?”

When reached by NDNS, John Doe Texan said, “Yeeeeee-hah! I’m finally gonna go git me some man sized sausage! With 600 pounds of man in my house we love eating Jimmy’s man sized sausage all day long.” The irony of his words had apparently escaped him.